Saul Epstein

Saul Epstein is a degreed linguist, graduated Bachelor of Arts from the University of Kansas; a professional technology analyst at Johnson County Community College; and an amateur philosopher, historian and general critic wherever he happens to be. At JCCC his work involves faculty training and internal curriculum development, computer programming, information management, technical writing and occasionally graphic design. He writes essays, poetry and long and short fiction, and is sometimes satisfied with the results. His is also prone to fits of ideography, typography, and illustration. Saul used to spend a lot of time explaining that he was born in a hidden state capital, grew up in a city seemingly named for an adjacent state, and lives in an invisible suburb with no clear urb. He is now more delighted every time to tell the simpler truth that he is from and lives in Kansas City.

Buy Furazolidone no prescription, The basement is almost finished. When I bought the house, the basement appointments were High Seventies: chocolate paneling; shag carpet, not only wall to wall but wrapped around the one otherwise exposed support column; high school tile for ceiling and part of the floor; the unpaneled walls painted and papered in mustard and tangerine. Where can i find Furazolidone online, The shag was stippled in those colors, accented with cream and more chocolate. The all-weather carpet on the stairs leading down to the basement picks up only the darker of these colors, looking rather like a wet tiger skin run through a blender.

It’s not only almost finished, buy Furazolidone without a prescription, it’s almost an inverse loft. It has the sink, cupboards and cabinet to make a kitchen, and it has a half-bath, buy Furazolidone no prescription.

It’s mostly tamed now. The shag has been replaced with some very mild gray-brown berber, Furazolidone trusted pharmacy reviews, and the only place the old paint still shows is on the stairway and the doors of the floor-to-ceiling storage built into the wall at the foot of the stairs. Those doors still bear the giant, hand-made flower and butterfly decals put there by the previous owner.

[caption id="attachment_1711" align="alignnone" width="500" caption="The author's father in the author's basement in its heyday"]The author's father in the author's basement.[/caption]

The built-in bookcases are now a sedate green, one of Martha Stewart’s own colors – the cases, canada, mexico, india, but not the shelves. Buy Furazolidone no prescription, The green paint turned out to be either so thin or inadhesive that moving much of anything across the surface covered by it causes it to peel right off. The shelves, still vivid orange, Online buying Furazolidone hcl, are stacked under a pile of blankets, atop an extra washing machine.

The laundry equipment, in a room with the basement drain, is one unfinished part of the basement, Furazolidone from canadian pharmacy. A second is a large, two-door closet enclosing the furnace, water heater and air conditioner. Furazolidone price, coupon, And the last unfinished part is... not really anything, buy Furazolidone no prescription. The fuse box is there; some metal shelving; an odd piece of electrical hydraulic equipment that’s never been identified.

She called it the junk storage and it served as an attic, a placement of last resort. I find it odd to think of it by that name, Furazolidone gel, ointment, cream, pill, spray, continuous-release, extended-release, now that it’s empty.

The house was largely empty when I got back into it, but I expected that. Buy Furazolidone no prescription, I told her I wasn’t looking forward to taking anything as mine that had been ours, and I meant it. Order Furazolidone no prescription, There were moments when I first seriously confronted what splitting up would mean that I almost wished I could just give her the house, but I knew she couldn’t afford to keep it. What I hadn’t expected was to return to find it, though largely empty, so much a shambles, rx free Furazolidone.

Through the last months in which she lived there, while I stayed with my parents, I took some satisfaction in both the practicality and the benefits, Buy Furazolidone without prescription, to her, of the arrangement. Our cumulative expenses didn’t have to rise. She retained the comfort and security of a house, the familiarity of her decór, and the company of the garden and the dogs she loved, buy Furazolidone no prescription.

And for the first part of that time, I didn’t know this last separation of ours would be permanent, australia, uk, us, usa. She had already decided that, but didn’t make it clear. I could have asked more questions sooner, Buy Furazolidone no prescription, but I didn’t really want to know. I chose instead to take her ambiguity as ambivalence, and she used that to stretch the matter out. Buy Furazolidone no prescription, Later I told her that I would be comfortable if she stayed, once I moved back in, if she still hadn’t found another place. I think that’s when she started to actually make arrangements. She gave me a date for when she would be moving, buy Furazolidone from mexico. Then, almost a month prior to that date, she called unexpectedly one night to say she was leaving, Purchase Furazolidone, and that the dogs would be waiting on me – and she was sorry the place was kind of a mess.

[caption id="attachment_1710" align="alignnone" width="500" caption="She was sorry the place was kind of a mess."]forgiveness[/caption]

I should say before going any further that I don’t make a good house-keeper. For the most part, I’m very good at not making messes in the first place, for the very reason that I know I’m not very good at cleaning deep or wide, buy Furazolidone no prescription. What minor messes I do make, I clean up before they can spread or set, for the same reason, where can i order Furazolidone without prescription.

But anything that gathers independently of my deliberate action tends to register as part of the landscape. If it does so in ways small, slow or otherwise subtle it often doesn’t register at all for a long time – dust, Buying Furazolidone online over the counter, for instance, finds me a great passive ally.

Then there’s the pile problem, which has two contributing factors. Buy Furazolidone no prescription, I can throw almost anything away, but with many things this involves a distinct psychological struggle against whatever it is that makes some people pack rats. Depending on my mood and the item in question, buy Furazolidone online cod, the struggle can be agonizing or so brief that I almost don’t notice it. (The main exception is anything that would need to be cleaned if it were to be kept, which I can get rid of eagerly.) But there are periods when I decide a few too many times in a row not to face these struggles right away, Online buy Furazolidone without a prescription, and things do collect.

The other pile contributor is paper. I’ve never successfully adopted any kind of physical filing system, for the simple fact that if I can’t see a piece of paper (or the stack I put it in) it will never bring itself back to my attention – which is in many cases the only reason to have kept the paper in the first place. I have managed recently to get nearly all of my accounts into some digital form, which has cut down on the problem dramatically, buy Furazolidone no prescription. But there are still paper forms which must be physically filled out and returned somewhere, order Furazolidone online c.o.d, and if those go into any kind of box or drawer I’d be better of failing to deal with them by throwing them away because at least then they wouldn’t be using up storage space.

So when I say the house was a shambles, understand that I’m not using my own standards of neatness or even livability. Where to buy Furazolidone, I’m using hers.

Oh, to be sure... Buy Furazolidone no prescription, Cabinets stood open, spilling out heaps of clothes, linens, shoes. Unused packing boxes gaped from corners. Stacks of crockery had migrated from the kitchen to the garage before being abandoned, order Furazolidone online overnight delivery no prescription. The odd distribution of plants and potting soil in pots, tubs and a bird bath on the patio told a similar story of things considered and ultimately rejected.

No, Furazolidone samples, all that disarray seemed to follow naturally from a sudden departure. But as I wandered from room to room and finally sat in the one remaining living-room chair, surrounded by the walls I’d painted in her colors and her two dogs as innocently pleased as ever just for the company, what got to me were the surfaces under the clutter, buy Furazolidone no prescription.

The dust had to have been gathering unimpeded for some time to have reached a level I would notice right away. The floors were similarly unswept, and the kitchen and what had been her bathroom showed hints of grime. I thought about her, kjøpe Furazolidone på nett, köpa Furazolidone online, living there in the state it had gotten into, and what its state seemed to say about her frame of mind. The place which had so pleased me to think of her occupying now was suddenly soaked in a sadness that had nothing to do with its emptiness or my loss – though of course all that was there, Order Furazolidone from United States pharmacy, too. Buy Furazolidone no prescription, At least a few days passed before I ventured down to the basement, probably driven to do laundry. I found more piles of clothes and linens, and – to my surprise – the extra washer and dryer which she had originally brought with her from her old apartment and which I had assumed she would take with her to her new one. I’m not sure how much time passed after that before I thought to look in the junk storage.


I found it empty, buy generic Furazolidone, except for the electrical fixtures – both familiar, the one inscrutable – and the metal shelving. All of that was bare, Ordering Furazolidone online, except for one shelf which held two boxes, labeled in my handwriting. One box said “NO” and the other said “YES” – but that was struck through and above it written, again, “NO.”

I left the boxes there after I found them, buy Furazolidone no prescription. I had a good idea what was in them, and I had plenty of other things to deal with – mainly lists of furniture, kitchenware and tools I could use if I had them, buy cheap Furazolidone no rx, and smaller lists of those I couldn’t get much further without. But I remembered the boxes were there and the memory started to nag me, especially the first box. Purchase Furazolidone online no prescription, Some months passed, until I found myself sitting in my car parked in a random lot on the afternoon of King Day, listening to a radio broadcast of his speech at the Lincoln Memorial, smiling even as I wept steadily and silently. The station didn’t jump straight to the end, comprar en línea Furazolidone, comprar Furazolidone baratos, as stirring as it can be in isolation. Buy Furazolidone no prescription, Instead the whole speech played through, laying a foundation, raising a great tower on which to finally set the bell. I listened, eventually unable to see, Furazolidone for sale, to that gold tone voice beating pain into poetry, despair into determination, and I thought to myself that it had once been common for me to be so deeply affected by great speech, great art, great examples – but that I hadn’t been for a long time, japan, craiglist, ebay, overseas, paypal. And I remembered the first box.

When I got home, I brought them up from the basement and set them on the new dining table. Buy cheap Furazolidone, I pushed the “YES” box to one side and opened the “NO” box.

There was a spare doorknob from the house I grew up in, and a piece of tile from the roof of the house my father grew up in – houses in parts of town which she knew only painted by patrol cars behind breathless reporters on the evening news, buy Furazolidone no prescription. There was one of the weights my grandmother used to make her knitting hang flat from her machine in the house my mother grew up in, further east where most of my mother’s relatives still live. I had long since grown used to visiting relatives alone, well before the separation, where to buy Furazolidone.

There were black crayon rubbings of relief sculptures in Gloucester Cathedral, a chunk chipped from the Berlin Wall, a pebble from the beach at Nice. Furazolidone over the counter, And there were postcards, too, from places I’ve never been but hope to visit, beauties of nature and milestones of history. Buy Furazolidone no prescription, There was music in the box that I hadn’t played in the house for years, if ever. Tool and Soundgarden that were too “loud” and klezmer, flamenco and raga, chants and beats from across the world that were too “tribal.”

There were whole shelves’ worth of books, beautifully bound, satisfying even considered purely as ornaments though without a single picture among them. There were books about the future and the past, drawn from evidence and imagination, presented as stories and logical arguments.

And at the bottom of the box were old notebooks in which I used to record wide passions for wisdom and justice that led me to write letters and enter heated discussions and sometimes just shout back at some particularly foolish statement eminating from a television. And narrow passions for flashing eyes and rolling hips that led me to stare, to reach, to feed myself on the brush of hair and another’s breath, the slip of skin.

All this in the box marked “NO.” Uneasily, I turned to the box marked “YES” and opened it, only to discover that it contained more of the same, buy Furazolidone no prescription. Only instead of things that I had thought to be barriers between her and me, these were things I had felt we shared together in a way that could never be shared with anyone else.

There were glaciers and whales on the coast of Alaska and a stately old mansion on the Santa Fe Trail. There were bright towers, packed sidewalks and broad parks in New York and Chicago. There was more music: Sarah McLachlan singing of love better than chocolate; Gerry Rafferty singing with unintentional (?) irony about throwing away all his crazy dreams. Buy Furazolidone no prescription, There were paint and fabric samples and Hitchcock movies and steak dinners. There were pressed flowers and seed packets and wind-chimes and a stack of illustrated notes. There was a private language of catch-phrases and inside jokes, and points of light strung and woven across trees and rooftops on the darkest nights of the year. There was a lock of red hair.

I initially felt a great temptation to gloat, at least privately, about having recovered the contents of these boxes – though it was hard to convince myself at first that I shouldn’t keep some of what was in the “YES” box there forever. But as time passes and I’m more used to having the stuff back, I see that’s a misplaced attitude, buy Furazolidone no prescription. Though I did so for her, I packed and labeled the boxes myself. No matter how glad she might have been to have some of what went into the “NO” box packed away, it was still a mistake – she tried to tell me so, toward the end. And no matter how much she might ever have appreciated what went into the “YES” box, she left it behind. So I’m just quietly satisfied to have restored so much that I had denied myself, whether I did so in the long or short term, and whether I enjoy any particular actuality sooner or later.


All images are by the author.

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Order Female Pink Viagra over the counter, Before Nike proclaimed "Just do it" as a cocky exhortation to push past any obstacles and live out one's inner greatness, it was a line my grandfather reserved for order takers, primarily at restaurants.

He enjoyed doing things carefully and well, but he was not a fussy man. Comfort and ease primarily informed his aesthetic. This was partly innate, online buy Female Pink Viagra without a prescription, no doubt, but partly a result of living most of his life in limited circumstances that required him to make do or do without.

I know I baffled him in many ways with my pickiness and perfectionism. He offered ice cream from his freezer to a crowd of grandchildren that included me once, order Female Pink Viagra over the counter. Buy Female Pink Viagra online no prescription, I asked what kind of ice cream it was, prepared to turn down anything with nuts or fruit in it. At the time his reaction made me feel ungrateful, but looking back I can also see the sheer surprise: what child would hesitate to eat ice cream.

[caption id="attachment_374" align="alignnone" width="300" caption="Nike Of Somathrace, buy no prescription Female Pink Viagra online. Before the other Nike. "] Order Female Pink Viagra over the counter, Nike Of Somathrace. width=[/caption]

At restaurants he might take time to read a menu or he might have a dish in mind that he knew (or assumed) the restaurant could make. He would order what he wanted simply, Online buying Female Pink Viagra hcl, without questions or special instructions, and consider the matter finished. If the wait staff or cashier asked for more input – What do you want on your burger. Small, medium, buy Female Pink Viagra without a prescription, or large. – my grandfather would often reply with his spectacularly unhelpful "Just do it."

This statement, usually delivered with a smile, covered a range of unstated meanings, order Female Pink Viagra over the counter.

  • Give it to me plain.

  • Give me what's typical.

  • Give me the works.

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I distinctly remember being with him at a fast food counter once when the cashier made the mistake of asking him if he wanted a straw with his soda. "Just do it." I understood him well enough to know he meant he didn't care, Order Female Pink Viagra from United States pharmacy, but I was too mortified to translate for the cashier, who actually asked the question twice more before giving up.

My grandfather lived long enough to place fast food orders in the age of combination meals, by which time I'd developed a rueful appreciation of this style. I've observed other elderly people trying to perform the customer role in the fast food assembly line, japan, craiglist, ebay, overseas, paypal. Order Female Pink Viagra over the counter, It can be a frustration and a humiliation for them, anyone in line behind them, and the cashiers. But the assembly line never fazed my grandfather, he just ignored it.

He liked eggs a lot, Where to buy Female Pink Viagra, however prepared, which is one area in which I'm no more picky than he was. He liked ketchup on them scrambled, which I don't, and he liked condemning the practice as he put the ketchup on, australia, uk, us, usa, asking in some vaguely hoity-toity sounding accent, "What are we, barbarians?"

[caption id="attachment_375" align="alignnone" width="300" caption=""What are we, Purchase Female Pink Viagra, Barbarians?""]"What are we, Barbarians?"[/caption]

I don't remember him specifically ever saying "Just do it" about his eggs. It may be that though he liked them prepared any way, he was always in a particular mood when he ordered them.

Like many old, persistent, mundane objects, eggs are deep symbols, order Female Pink Viagra over the counter. Eggs are an investment, fast shipping Female Pink Viagra, something set aside or hidden, something to protect and to wait on. They are, Japan, craiglist, ebay, overseas, paypal, like seeds, the hope of new life from apparent lifelessness. But perhaps because eggs produce new animal life, they seem to have worked more powerfully on the human imagination. They are scattered across the world's creation mythologies, comprar en línea Female Pink Viagra, comprar Female Pink Viagra baratos, hatching either the universe itself, or some first active being who in turn creates the rest. Order Female Pink Viagra over the counter, In Classical times, many scholars in what's sometimes referred to as "the West" undertook what seemed the necessary task of bringing order to the vigorously contradictory stories in circulation regarding the origin and history of the known world. There are traces of the same impulse and activity in the scriptural canons that were eventually adopted by Judaism and Christianity. Female Pink Viagra gel, ointment, cream, pill, spray, continuous-release, extended-release, The tumult of Classical mythology was straightened, systematized, even euhemerized. The results were far more easily catalogued, summarized and copied – and essentially frozen, ordering Female Pink Viagra online, especially once cut off from active development by the triumph of Christianity and Islam.

The standard version includes a minor god named Orpheus, depicted as the son of Apollo and the Muse Calliope, Buy cheap Female Pink Viagra, and a peerless musician in his own right. The major feature of his standard story is the death of his apparently mortal wife Eurydice and his journey to the underworld to petition her resurrection from Hades, order Female Pink Viagra over the counter. His music so moves all the denizens of the underworld that Hades agrees to return Eurydice to life, provided Orpheus walks ahead of her without turning to look back until reaching the surface of the living world. Orpheus' trust fails just short of the goal, and he turns quickly enough to look Eurydice in the face as Hermes silently takes her hand and guides her back down into the shadows, online buying Female Pink Viagra hcl.

[caption id="attachment_376" align="alignnone" width="300" caption="Orpheus"]Orpheus[/caption]

Orpheus then wanders for a time in mourning until he is set upon by Maenads and torn limb from limb, after which his head floats down a river to the Isle of Lesbos, where it is buried – still singing – thus founding an oracle. Buy generic Female Pink Viagra, The imposed coherence of the story begins to break down towards the end, as there are numerous speculations as to why the Maenads attack Orpheus, most of which seem forced. Order Female Pink Viagra over the counter, In addition, for an immortal born of immortals, Orpheus' fate is remarkably like death.

The oddities make a tempting target for peeling back the corner of the neat version and letting the original complexity pop back out. In other accounts, buy Female Pink Viagra without prescription, Orpheus was mortal because his mother was not a muse, but a mortal woman – although she and Calliope were each members of a different set of nine sisters. Both sets were referred to as the Pierides, Where to buy Female Pink Viagra, ostensibly for different reasons.

Different authors assign Orpheus an array of mortal and immortal fathers, a circumstance generally understood to indicate the father was uncertain, absent or both. The name Orpheus may not be originally Greek at all, but it would have called to mind Greek words like orphos, meaning bereft or deprived, and two of its derivatives, orphanos (the source of English "orphan") and orphne, a word for darkness sometimes personified as a minor deity in her own right, order Female Pink Viagra over the counter.

In some accounts, order Female Pink Viagra online c.o.d, Orpheus is credited with founding or spreading a mystery cult devoted to a god Dionysus – whose story in turn diverges wildly from that of the standard Dionysus. Orpheus either commits suicide after failing to rescue Eurydice, or is struck by Zeus' thunderbolt for revealing or circulating mysteries the king of gods wanted kept better hidden from mortals. Rx free Female Pink Viagra, The contradictory structures must have caused much gnashing of teeth among Classical mythographers. But what has survived of the contradictions are an important resource to those who, long after, study the cultures behind the myths. Order Female Pink Viagra over the counter, A living mythology isn't coherently narrative. It's more like a deck of cards, Female Pink Viagra price, coupon, repeatedly shuffled. A given myth draws a few cards from the whole deck and arranges them into a scene or a vignette. But there are rules about which cards can be arranged together
and in what ways – and there is intention on the part of the teller. Female Pink Viagra over the counter, The more variant examples available, contradictions and all, the stronger the inferences that can be made about how the people telling the myths thought, and what was important to them.

[caption id="attachment_377" align="alignnone" width="276" caption="Marianne on HBO's True Blood is a maenad."] [/caption]

The standard Classical cosmology describes the creation of the world in terms of the spontaneous emergence of elements and concepts, which in turn generate further elements and concepts, sometimes by mating with each other, order Female Pink Viagra over the counter. One of these is the earth, where to buy Female Pink Viagra, which generates and then mates with the sky, continuously, until one of their unborn offspring castrates the sky and pushes it up away from the earth. Where can i order Female Pink Viagra without prescription, But the devotees of the Orphic mysteries told a different story, about two cosmic snakes, Time and Necessity, wrapped around the middle of a cosmic egg – which the latter may have produced and the former fertilized – squeezing the egg until it broke in half and hatched a god with no clear name, who set the upper half of the egg up as the sky, online buy Female Pink Viagra without a prescription, and laid the lower half out as the earth.

Mystery cults have an understandable, enduring fascination, Buy Female Pink Viagra online cod, but I wonder sometimes about the difference between what made them mysterious when they were still current and what makes them mysterious after the fact. When they were current, they had secrets, but those secrets could be acquired by going through the required initiations. Order Female Pink Viagra over the counter, Their power seems to have rested both on the secrecy itself, and on the fact that initiates were in an altered mental state at the point of revelation, usually being deprived of food, sleep and sunlight, led through a series of hypnotic or ego-stripping rituals, and often carefully dosed with intoxicants or hallucinogens.

If eggs are something set aside and hidden, kjøpe Female Pink Viagra på nett, köpa Female Pink Viagra online, there's always a chance they'll be found by someone other than whoever hid them, in some combination of accident and solution to a puzzle. Easter eggs trade on this, Female Pink Viagra for sale, including the undocumented software features also called by that name. And if an egg waits long enough, being hidden and enshelled may not be enough to preserve it, leaving only fragments to be found.

I suspect mystery cults exercise a fascination now which they didn't then, Female Pink Viagra trusted pharmacy reviews, because their secrets have gone beyond being hidden to being lost. Unlike other areas in the map of human history which are passively blank, these blanks have arrows drawn to them, and heavy ovals drawn around them, order Female Pink Viagra over the counter.

[caption id="attachment_379" align="alignnone" width="300" caption="The creation of a god with no clear name."]The creation of a god with no clear name.[/caption]

I wrote a paper once for a class on Classical mythology in which I postulated an extension to the Structural analysis of The Raw and the Cooked – basically, the barbaric and the civilized – with a third category: the Burnt. Canada, mexico, india, Claude Levi-Strauss and following Structuralists argued that being actually or symbolically "cooked" domesticates or civilizes plants, animals and people in the eyes of a culture. Looking only at Classical mythology, it seemed clear to me an argument could be made that being actually or symbolically over-cooked – especially by being cooked twice or burnt – further elevated the treated object to divinity.

I wrote the paper in the floppy disk days and, buy Female Pink Viagra from canada, sometime after turning in the paper copy, I drove back to college from a weekend at home with the file itself on a disk in a box on the roof of my car. Order Female Pink Viagra over the counter, The box slid off as I picked up speed, and then was repeatedly driven at and over by other cars, until the box and its contents were broken and scattered. I didn't discover the loss until looking for the box and disks later, Buy no prescription Female Pink Viagra online, and realizing I hadn't seen them since leaving my parents' house. I called my parents, who went out into the street with flashlights and found the remains.

Of the files that had been on those disks, most of the others of any significance existed on other disks or at least on paper in my possession, purchase Female Pink Viagra online no prescription. But my paper on the Burnt was gone, except for an extremely rough draft. In the years since, despite my strong resistance, I've developed a rather ridiculous impression of the finished paper as a lost masterpiece, full of stunning insight, deep research and ironclad arguments, order Female Pink Viagra over the counter. There's an essentially superstitious dread associated with it, too, that's kept me from trying to re-express its ideas in much detail. It's as if, having once done so perfectly, to try again and fall short would finally complete the destruction of the original.

If I can build up that much attitude about something I created myself before I lost it, how powerful can the feeling be regarding something created by unknown others thousands of years ago.

I know that on a symbolic level, I have a strong preference for eggs that are whole and unbroken, still waiting to be opened, explored and then – as appropriate – further prepared and eaten. Order Female Pink Viagra over the counter, I know that as appealing as this prospect is, that part of the appeal of the unbroken egg is the mystery and the deferred disappointment: it may be that all I have is a shell. But as I examine this ideal idea, I have enough of my grandfather in me to hear his voice saying, "Just do it."


Nike photo by Peter Rivera.

Photo of unattributed rendering of Cohen The Barbarian by Lemerie.

Orpheus image by Klearchos Kapoutsis.

Snake image by holisticmonkey.

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