The Topic At Hand:

Lost and Found

There's a reason we don't say "found and lost." It's depressing. When we lose something -- a possession, a lover, a friend, a god, a name -- we want to believe that we'll get it (or him or her) back. So we assign it a word that indicates its eventual return, rather than its current position. Something that is called "lost" is noted more for where it ought to be, than for where it actually is. The boxes of mismatched items (gloves, hats, phones, wallets, keys) that sit behind retail counters would be more properly labeled simply "lost." Any given item sitting in them has only been "found" in the sense that some other person has brought it back in contact with humanity, and validated its relationship to someone else, even though they have no idea who that person is. In this issue: Security cameras (and insecure people). Troubling dreams (while asleep, and while awake). Cleaning house literally and figuratively (at the same time). Biological and personal evolution (juxtaposed). Religious conversion (and unconversion). Friendly reminders (from the dead). Hopes and fears (lost And found).

Featured Contributors

Rare Groove: Breaking it Down
Essay & Film

Order Gentamicin over the counter, The sight of a woman undressing no longer interests Jim.  After eight years of watching the security monitors at a certain Midtown women’s clothing store, Jim has seen every state of undress, every awkward position: crouching, leaning, squeezing, sliding in and out of skirts, pants, shirts, dresses, bras.  Everything, except what he expected when he took the job.  Never has a leggy blonde, or exotic, swollen-lipped brunette, slipped off her shirt to reveal a transparent camisole, cupped her breasts one in each hand and felt their full weight without a bra to collect them in a proper place. Not once has a woman looked up to the camera, noticed the security eye gazing down at her, opened her eyes wide in shock then contracted them in a dirty stare, Gentamicin over the counter, smiled a wicked proposition and mouthed very slowly, Hi Jim.  How’s it going?

The women never notice the camera: a small white bulge in the white plaster ceiling.   Jim is sure that if anyone knew the rooms are under surveillance, or that he is sitting in an unpainted utility-closet-turned-loss-prevention headquarters watching four monitors with half-naked women climbing in and out of linen and silk, no one would shop there again.  There is a sign somewhere telling shoppers that the changing rooms “may be monitored for security purposes” but it’s very small, and displayed near the cash-wrap counter – too late to serve as courtesy or warning.  If anyone reads it, buy Gentamicin no prescription,the “damage” would already have been done.  But there is no damage, really.  Jim isn’t interested in gawking at those women anymore.

Or maybe the sign is gone.  Jim doesn’t know.  He hasn’t been on the sales floor for, Gentamicin from canadian pharmacy, what?  A year and a half?  Anyway, whatever erotic pleasure there may have been in fantasizing about women in their underwear trying to wrap a poly-blend skirt around their tight and shiny parts has been snuffed out by witnessing what actually goes on in there.  Some women stare forever at their faces – popping pimples or trying to pluck chin hairs with their fingernails.  Some women try the same skirt on in two sizes, back and forth, for a half an hour.  Both skirts look the same to Jim.  He wonders why women seem to love shopping when it’s really compulsive oscillation from this one thing to this other almost-exactly-the-same thing with no satisfaction?  When Jim gets dressed, it’s not like he’s satisfied.  That’s not even the point anymore.   Sitting in the vinyl and duct-taped chair, Gentamicin samples, bobbing back and forth like he’s rocking a baby, Jim tries to name ten reasons for getting dressed, in thirty seconds.  He stares at the wall clock:  Staying warm.  Covering up in public.  Showing where you work.  Feeling a part of your generation.  Having pockets to put stuff in. Buy Gentamicin online cod, Jim gets distracted: a woman on monitor three, the screen called “Camille” by the guards, is trying on slacks even though she’s not wearing underwear.  She probably won’t buy them and the slacks will go back on the rack for the next shopper to soak up whatever she left behind.   Another reason to get dressed comes to Jim’s mind:  To draw a clear line between being at home and being out where people can see you. That was the sixth thing.  He couldn’t think of ten.  And that last one is a cheat, since he thought of it after thirty seconds was up.  But it’s a good one, so he puts it on the list, order Gentamicin no prescription.


I was right, Jim thinks, as the no-underwear-wearing slacks-trying-on woman returns the pants to the fitting room attendant.  Jim wishes he could get people arrested for that.  But he’s only allowed to alert the floor guards if someone does something illegal.  Well, Buy no prescription Gentamicin online, there ought to be a law against that nasty practice, Jim thinks.  He catches his breath.  He has never said those words before – there ought to be a law. Those are old-man words.  Still, not wearing any underwear and trying on new clothes is pretty gross.  You don’t have to be a fogey to think that, right, order Gentamicin over the counter.

Jim takes a sip of coffee out of his JIM mug, a gift from the other guards for his five-year anniversary on the job.  That was nice of them, even though it’s a pretty lame mug.  It’s just white with black letters.  At least he doesn’t have to drink from those little Styrofoam cups anymore.  They’re bad for the environment.  Plus, canada, mexico, india, seeing his name on something makes Jim feel like he belongs.  It was nice of them to notice that it even was his anniversary.  Those guys don’t really share much about their lives.  In fact, when Jim suggested they name monitor three “Camille,” he didn’t even tell them that it was his wife’s name.  Now he can’t change it, Buy cheap Gentamicin no rx, even though he wants to sometimes, since suggesting a name change will bring up all kind of questions about his wife and what happened and stuff.

Jim sees a  woman changing the part in her hair from left to right then back, then again.  She’s been doing it for probably ten minutes.  She keeps on making the saleswoman get her new sizes or colors of items she brought in with her, but she’s not trying them on.  It looks like she’s about to leave now.  It also looks like she’s crying, Gentamicin price, coupon.

Right after he started this job, Jim figured out the difference between how women undress in front of men and how they undress when they’re alone.  Jim noticed when his wife stopped looking like she wanted him to see her slip off her shoes, skirt, Buy Gentamicin from mexico, stockings, and started just taking off her clothes, her back to him, to get ready for bed.  No more seduction.   Just before she left him, she looked just like those women who take off their pants, buy Gentamicin without a prescription, retrieve their underwear from wherever it crawled to, and slap their thighs to see how long they shake.  He wonders if his wife ever stood in front of a mirror switching her hair’s part from left to right and back again.  He wonders if something like that would make her cry.

It’s six o’ clock, Gentamicin for sale, finally, and Jim has caught a total of two shoplifters.  The first one was a high school girl, maybe fifteen years old, who slipped a couple of scarves into her jacket sleeve while pretending to try on a pants suit.  Jim saw the whole transaction on monitor two, Bertha, buy generic Gentamicin, and radioed to the security detail on the sales floor.  “Code three, teenage girl, brown hair, Comprar en línea Gentamicin, comprar Gentamicin baratos, red jacket.”  The guard spotted her trying to slip out, while swinging her jacket up and over the theft detectors.  Jim watched the whole thing on the sales-floor screen.   The guard grabbed the jacket, recovered the merchandise, and after a stern talking to, let the girl go, where to buy Gentamicin. Order Gentamicin over the counter, The other thief was an old woman, at least sixty, who tried on a cashmere sweater, and then pulled her cotton button-up shirt over it, put on her coat and headed towards the exit.  “Code three, old bitty, brown jacket, orthopedic shoes.”  The guard didn’t let her go.  He called the cops on her.  That’s right, Jim thought.  An old woman has plenty of time to learn right from wrong, unlike a young girl who’s still figuring that stuff out.  The old lady was held in the manager’s office until the cops came. It’s a shame, though, Jim thought.  She’s gonna be fingerprinted and mug-shot, Fast shipping Gentamicin, all for a sweater.  Maybe she’s sick or something, or senile. That made Jim feel better.  That she wasn’t being immoral on purpose, but just ailing from something mental.  He shook his head in grief as he removed the videotape, labeled it with the date, the infraction, buy Gentamicin without prescription, and the time count on the tape when the crime was recorded.  The tape was filed with the others.  Evidence for the prosecution.

Quitting time.  Jim grabs his coat from his hook and he sees a young woman on monitor one (Annette).  She enters the fitting room with a couple pairs of pants. Jim doesn’t know why he watches her, Where to buy Gentamicin, why he doesn’t just leave.  Sure, his replacement hasn’t arrived, but Roy is always late, and Jim gave up waiting for him months ago. Something about the girl’s manner makes Jim stare at her.  Once the fitting room door is closed, buy Gentamicin no prescription, she retrieves handfuls of lace panties, maybe twenty pairs, from the pants’ legs.  That’s clever, Buy Gentamicin online cod, Jim thinks.  He’s never seen that one before.  She lifts her skirt and starts to pull off the tags and slip on the panties, one over the other, until she’s wearing a couple dozen pairs under her skirt.  She hides the tags in the pants pockets, returns them to the saleswoman and walks briskly towards the door.  There’s enough time for Jim to radio, “Code three, purchase Gentamicin online no prescription, young woman, about twenty-five, strawberry-blonde hair past her shoulders, Gentamicin price, coupon, petite, pleated skirt,” but Jim stands silently in the former utility room, jacket in hand, and lets the loss go unprevented, rx free Gentamicin.

It’s the end of his shift, order Gentamicin over the counter. Who wants to take the time to label the tape, and maybe have to wait for the police to arrive?  He can’t be expected to catch every shoplifter.  His eyes can’t be on four monitors at once.  Still, Jim knows this will set a bad precedent.  After eight years of catching and reporting these petty crimes like a reflex, Where can i order Gentamicin without prescription, and almost fifty years of always at least trying to do the right thing, something broke in Jim when he saw her pulling on those panties one after another twenty times.  He follows her image on the monitors from the fitting room to the sales floor to the exits.  The girl slips through the theft detectors and out of the store, on to the crowded street.

Jim doesn’t leave work with the intention of following the girl home.  But, when he boards the D train and notices her—her skirt puffing out a bit more than her slender frame would naturally allow, Gentamicin gel, ointment, cream, pill, spray, continuous-release, extended-release, he can’t believe his luck – or the coincidence of their meeting, whether it’s lucky or not.  She’s sitting not quite across from Jim.  He hides his face behind his Post, then realizes that she can’t recognize him.  She doesn’t even know anyone was watching her pull those panties on, Buy no prescription Gentamicin online, and if she does, she doesn’t know who.  So Jim moves to the seat directly across from her.  He looks straight at her, and she taps her foot with impatience as the doors keep threatening to close, then spring open, having hit some obstacle, order Gentamicin online overnight delivery no prescription.

It would be enough for Jim to just look at her on the train, knowing what he knows.  He could go home feeling like he made some kind of magic connection.  Because what are the chances of seeing her in the store and then wind up sitting across from her on the D train?  When’s the last time he saw someone on the train among the anonymous faces and blank stares and felt any sense of recognition?  Just looking at her, knowing about her panties, Fast shipping Gentamicin, feeling that “I know that face from somewhere” feeling is pretty satisfying.

But when the train crosses the East River to Brooklyn, Jim starts to fantasize that she’ll get off at his stop.  He can maybe walk a few blocks with her, without her noticing, before he has to turn towards his building and they’ll separate.  When she doesn’t stand up to get off at Jim’s stop, Gentamicin over the counter, he figures he should stay on the train with her, just to see how far away she lives.  Just to see how far this coincidence thing will go.

keep your pants on Order Gentamicin over the counter, Funny how when you know so little about a person, and that one thing is so private, everything else seems to relate to it.  When she pumps her leg over her other knee, for example, Jim is sure it’s out of discomfort.  When she stands to read an ad, or that poetry up on the subway walls, he assumes it’s a covert move to adjust her cramped privates.  Soon, it’s easy to think that you actually know a lot about a person, even when the key information is missing: her name, her job, where she lives.

Jim starts guessing to himself what her name could be and where in Brooklyn she lives.  He narrows down the name to either Ashley or Therese.  He is sure she lives in Prospect Heights.  He’s never been there, Gentamicin for sale, but she looks like the kind of person people say live there.  Jim smiles with the pride of being right when she gets off the train at the Seventh Avenue station.  She bounds up the steps two at a time only to wait in line to exit at the turnstile.  Jim intentionally stays a couple people behind her, just in case she might notice him.  Funny, to wish for something and its opposite at the same time.

Up Flatbush Avenue they walk, he a few paces behind.  She goes into a bodega, comprar en línea Gentamicin, comprar Gentamicin baratos, comes out with a small brown bag he can’t see inside of.  Jim wonders if she swiped anything from the store.  Probably not.  She was only in there for a minute.  No time to plan, to scope out the place.  She turns north onto a side street.  Off the busy street, on this tree-lined block, Buy Gentamicin from mexico, it’s just the two of them.  Jim concentrates on the turns they are making as they walk further and further away from the subway station.  He has to be sure he can find his own way back.

The girl starts to walk faster.  I must be making her nervous, Jim thinks.  He slows his pace without losing sight of her as she jogs up the block.  She turns up a front walk leading to a boxy cement building with a heavy glass door.  She frantically pats her jacket, breast pocket, hips, where can i buy Gentamicin online, then presses a button – Jim is too far behind her to see which apartment – and speaks into the metal plate with holes punched through it.  “Jim, buzz me in.  I don’t have my key.”  She bounces on the balls of her feet with a nervous energy.  Jim isn’t sure if it’s his following her from the subway or the twenty pairs of panties that makes her dance like that.  The buzzer moans and the door unlocks allowing her entry; she pushes on the glass and the door gives way.  Therese (Jim’s money is on Therese) does the same to the vestibule door and doesn’t look back as she scrambles to the open apartment door, on the first floor, Canada, mexico, india, just to the left of the staircase.  She doesn’t even notice that Jim, who has pretended to walk past the building, eyes on the end of the block like a far off horizon, has run up to the building as the door was closing and is propping it open with his foot as she runs inside.  He hears her door bolt shut, then he enters the foyer, and scans the mailboxes.  1SE – B. Schriver, 1SW – K. Miller, 1NE – T, order Gentamicin over the counter. Lorenzo and J. O’Shay. Jim wouldn’t be able to explain, if anyone ever asks, or even to himself, why he swipes the name plate from the mailbox, and heads back to the train.

Code three,  Jim thinks.  Middle aged man, heavy set, blue uniform.  Black cap, below it – thinning hair.  Below that – wrinkled forehead, weedy eyebrows and moustache.  Slack jaw.  A man who misses his wife.  No, a man who just wants a woman’s touch again.  No, a man who actually misses his wife, whom he knows backwards and front, hair to toes and her chewy center.  A woman who knows him back, and, knowing everything, chose not to stay. Jim slows his stride to the measured words pacing through his head.  Jim isn’t rushing away from the scene of the crime anymore.  Staring straight ahead at the unfamiliar view, Jim searches the buildings and bridges in the distance for something he recognizes.


Surveillance image by ade.

"Keep your pants on" image by jo-h.

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Buy Furazolidone no prescription, The basement is almost finished. When I bought the house, the basement appointments were High Seventies: chocolate paneling; shag carpet, not only wall to wall but wrapped around the one otherwise exposed support column; high school tile for ceiling and part of the floor; the unpaneled walls painted and papered in mustard and tangerine. Where can i find Furazolidone online, The shag was stippled in those colors, accented with cream and more chocolate. The all-weather carpet on the stairs leading down to the basement picks up only the darker of these colors, looking rather like a wet tiger skin run through a blender.

It’s not only almost finished, buy Furazolidone without a prescription, it’s almost an inverse loft. It has the sink, cupboards and cabinet to make a kitchen, and it has a half-bath, buy Furazolidone no prescription.

It’s mostly tamed now. The shag has been replaced with some very mild gray-brown berber, Furazolidone trusted pharmacy reviews, and the only place the old paint still shows is on the stairway and the doors of the floor-to-ceiling storage built into the wall at the foot of the stairs. Those doors still bear the giant, hand-made flower and butterfly decals put there by the previous owner.

[caption id="attachment_1711" align="alignnone" width="500" caption="The author's father in the author's basement in its heyday"]The author's father in the author's basement.[/caption]

The built-in bookcases are now a sedate green, one of Martha Stewart’s own colors – the cases, canada, mexico, india, but not the shelves. Buy Furazolidone no prescription, The green paint turned out to be either so thin or inadhesive that moving much of anything across the surface covered by it causes it to peel right off. The shelves, still vivid orange, Online buying Furazolidone hcl, are stacked under a pile of blankets, atop an extra washing machine.

The laundry equipment, in a room with the basement drain, is one unfinished part of the basement, Furazolidone from canadian pharmacy. A second is a large, two-door closet enclosing the furnace, water heater and air conditioner. Furazolidone price, coupon, And the last unfinished part is... not really anything, buy Furazolidone no prescription. The fuse box is there; some metal shelving; an odd piece of electrical hydraulic equipment that’s never been identified.

She called it the junk storage and it served as an attic, a placement of last resort. I find it odd to think of it by that name, Furazolidone gel, ointment, cream, pill, spray, continuous-release, extended-release, now that it’s empty.

The house was largely empty when I got back into it, but I expected that. Buy Furazolidone no prescription, I told her I wasn’t looking forward to taking anything as mine that had been ours, and I meant it. Order Furazolidone no prescription, There were moments when I first seriously confronted what splitting up would mean that I almost wished I could just give her the house, but I knew she couldn’t afford to keep it. What I hadn’t expected was to return to find it, though largely empty, so much a shambles, rx free Furazolidone.

Through the last months in which she lived there, while I stayed with my parents, I took some satisfaction in both the practicality and the benefits, Buy Furazolidone without prescription, to her, of the arrangement. Our cumulative expenses didn’t have to rise. She retained the comfort and security of a house, the familiarity of her decór, and the company of the garden and the dogs she loved, buy Furazolidone no prescription.

And for the first part of that time, I didn’t know this last separation of ours would be permanent, australia, uk, us, usa. She had already decided that, but didn’t make it clear. I could have asked more questions sooner, Buy Furazolidone no prescription, but I didn’t really want to know. I chose instead to take her ambiguity as ambivalence, and she used that to stretch the matter out. Buy Furazolidone no prescription, Later I told her that I would be comfortable if she stayed, once I moved back in, if she still hadn’t found another place. I think that’s when she started to actually make arrangements. She gave me a date for when she would be moving, buy Furazolidone from mexico. Then, almost a month prior to that date, she called unexpectedly one night to say she was leaving, Purchase Furazolidone, and that the dogs would be waiting on me – and she was sorry the place was kind of a mess.

[caption id="attachment_1710" align="alignnone" width="500" caption="She was sorry the place was kind of a mess."]forgiveness[/caption]

I should say before going any further that I don’t make a good house-keeper. For the most part, I’m very good at not making messes in the first place, for the very reason that I know I’m not very good at cleaning deep or wide, buy Furazolidone no prescription. What minor messes I do make, I clean up before they can spread or set, for the same reason, where can i order Furazolidone without prescription.

But anything that gathers independently of my deliberate action tends to register as part of the landscape. If it does so in ways small, slow or otherwise subtle it often doesn’t register at all for a long time – dust, Buying Furazolidone online over the counter, for instance, finds me a great passive ally.

Then there’s the pile problem, which has two contributing factors. Buy Furazolidone no prescription, I can throw almost anything away, but with many things this involves a distinct psychological struggle against whatever it is that makes some people pack rats. Depending on my mood and the item in question, buy Furazolidone online cod, the struggle can be agonizing or so brief that I almost don’t notice it. (The main exception is anything that would need to be cleaned if it were to be kept, which I can get rid of eagerly.) But there are periods when I decide a few too many times in a row not to face these struggles right away, Online buy Furazolidone without a prescription, and things do collect.

The other pile contributor is paper. I’ve never successfully adopted any kind of physical filing system, for the simple fact that if I can’t see a piece of paper (or the stack I put it in) it will never bring itself back to my attention – which is in many cases the only reason to have kept the paper in the first place. I have managed recently to get nearly all of my accounts into some digital form, which has cut down on the problem dramatically, buy Furazolidone no prescription. But there are still paper forms which must be physically filled out and returned somewhere, order Furazolidone online c.o.d, and if those go into any kind of box or drawer I’d be better of failing to deal with them by throwing them away because at least then they wouldn’t be using up storage space.

So when I say the house was a shambles, understand that I’m not using my own standards of neatness or even livability. Where to buy Furazolidone, I’m using hers.

Oh, to be sure... Buy Furazolidone no prescription, Cabinets stood open, spilling out heaps of clothes, linens, shoes. Unused packing boxes gaped from corners. Stacks of crockery had migrated from the kitchen to the garage before being abandoned, order Furazolidone online overnight delivery no prescription. The odd distribution of plants and potting soil in pots, tubs and a bird bath on the patio told a similar story of things considered and ultimately rejected.

No, Furazolidone samples, all that disarray seemed to follow naturally from a sudden departure. But as I wandered from room to room and finally sat in the one remaining living-room chair, surrounded by the walls I’d painted in her colors and her two dogs as innocently pleased as ever just for the company, what got to me were the surfaces under the clutter, buy Furazolidone no prescription.

The dust had to have been gathering unimpeded for some time to have reached a level I would notice right away. The floors were similarly unswept, and the kitchen and what had been her bathroom showed hints of grime. I thought about her, kjøpe Furazolidone på nett, köpa Furazolidone online, living there in the state it had gotten into, and what its state seemed to say about her frame of mind. The place which had so pleased me to think of her occupying now was suddenly soaked in a sadness that had nothing to do with its emptiness or my loss – though of course all that was there, Order Furazolidone from United States pharmacy, too. Buy Furazolidone no prescription, At least a few days passed before I ventured down to the basement, probably driven to do laundry. I found more piles of clothes and linens, and – to my surprise – the extra washer and dryer which she had originally brought with her from her old apartment and which I had assumed she would take with her to her new one. I’m not sure how much time passed after that before I thought to look in the junk storage.


I found it empty, buy generic Furazolidone, except for the electrical fixtures – both familiar, the one inscrutable – and the metal shelving. All of that was bare, Ordering Furazolidone online, except for one shelf which held two boxes, labeled in my handwriting. One box said “NO” and the other said “YES” – but that was struck through and above it written, again, “NO.”

I left the boxes there after I found them, buy Furazolidone no prescription. I had a good idea what was in them, and I had plenty of other things to deal with – mainly lists of furniture, kitchenware and tools I could use if I had them, buy cheap Furazolidone no rx, and smaller lists of those I couldn’t get much further without. But I remembered the boxes were there and the memory started to nag me, especially the first box. Purchase Furazolidone online no prescription, Some months passed, until I found myself sitting in my car parked in a random lot on the afternoon of King Day, listening to a radio broadcast of his speech at the Lincoln Memorial, smiling even as I wept steadily and silently. The station didn’t jump straight to the end, comprar en línea Furazolidone, comprar Furazolidone baratos, as stirring as it can be in isolation. Buy Furazolidone no prescription, Instead the whole speech played through, laying a foundation, raising a great tower on which to finally set the bell. I listened, eventually unable to see, Furazolidone for sale, to that gold tone voice beating pain into poetry, despair into determination, and I thought to myself that it had once been common for me to be so deeply affected by great speech, great art, great examples – but that I hadn’t been for a long time, japan, craiglist, ebay, overseas, paypal. And I remembered the first box.

When I got home, I brought them up from the basement and set them on the new dining table. Buy cheap Furazolidone, I pushed the “YES” box to one side and opened the “NO” box.

There was a spare doorknob from the house I grew up in, and a piece of tile from the roof of the house my father grew up in – houses in parts of town which she knew only painted by patrol cars behind breathless reporters on the evening news, buy Furazolidone no prescription. There was one of the weights my grandmother used to make her knitting hang flat from her machine in the house my mother grew up in, further east where most of my mother’s relatives still live. I had long since grown used to visiting relatives alone, well before the separation, where to buy Furazolidone.

There were black crayon rubbings of relief sculptures in Gloucester Cathedral, a chunk chipped from the Berlin Wall, a pebble from the beach at Nice. Furazolidone over the counter, And there were postcards, too, from places I’ve never been but hope to visit, beauties of nature and milestones of history. Buy Furazolidone no prescription, There was music in the box that I hadn’t played in the house for years, if ever. Tool and Soundgarden that were too “loud” and klezmer, flamenco and raga, chants and beats from across the world that were too “tribal.”

There were whole shelves’ worth of books, beautifully bound, satisfying even considered purely as ornaments though without a single picture among them. There were books about the future and the past, drawn from evidence and imagination, presented as stories and logical arguments.

And at the bottom of the box were old notebooks in which I used to record wide passions for wisdom and justice that led me to write letters and enter heated discussions and sometimes just shout back at some particularly foolish statement eminating from a television. And narrow passions for flashing eyes and rolling hips that led me to stare, to reach, to feed myself on the brush of hair and another’s breath, the slip of skin.

All this in the box marked “NO.” Uneasily, I turned to the box marked “YES” and opened it, only to discover that it contained more of the same, buy Furazolidone no prescription. Only instead of things that I had thought to be barriers between her and me, these were things I had felt we shared together in a way that could never be shared with anyone else.

There were glaciers and whales on the coast of Alaska and a stately old mansion on the Santa Fe Trail. There were bright towers, packed sidewalks and broad parks in New York and Chicago. There was more music: Sarah McLachlan singing of love better than chocolate; Gerry Rafferty singing with unintentional (?) irony about throwing away all his crazy dreams. Buy Furazolidone no prescription, There were paint and fabric samples and Hitchcock movies and steak dinners. There were pressed flowers and seed packets and wind-chimes and a stack of illustrated notes. There was a private language of catch-phrases and inside jokes, and points of light strung and woven across trees and rooftops on the darkest nights of the year. There was a lock of red hair.

I initially felt a great temptation to gloat, at least privately, about having recovered the contents of these boxes – though it was hard to convince myself at first that I shouldn’t keep some of what was in the “YES” box there forever. But as time passes and I’m more used to having the stuff back, I see that’s a misplaced attitude, buy Furazolidone no prescription. Though I did so for her, I packed and labeled the boxes myself. No matter how glad she might have been to have some of what went into the “NO” box packed away, it was still a mistake – she tried to tell me so, toward the end. And no matter how much she might ever have appreciated what went into the “YES” box, she left it behind. So I’m just quietly satisfied to have restored so much that I had denied myself, whether I did so in the long or short term, and whether I enjoy any particular actuality sooner or later.


All images are by the author.

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Left Behind

Buy Flagyl no prescription, When I was eight, we moved to the suburbs and into a big, creaky, beige house. I got my own room, with my own walls on which I painted a giant rainbow above my bed (a move that I was to regret when I hit my teens, though not as much as my brother was to regret the rainforest wallpaper that he chose for his). We had a big yard where the neighborhood kids and I regularly smacked each other in the head with a tetherball and where I convinced the younger/gullible ones to act in brilliant super-8 melodramas -- as well as blocks of adjoining yards that we also claimed as our territory, buy cheap Flagyl no rx, and quiet streets on which I finally learned to ride a bike. These were something of a contrast to the streets of my former 'hood, Newark, Buy Flagyl without a prescription, where my dad had once been jumped while walking with me and my mother and brother by two guys who stole all of his Rolaids (like any native New Yorker, he never kept money in his back pockets).

For a long time, though, all of my dreams continued to take place in our old apartment, buying Flagyl online over the counter. Except it was never really our apartment, it was an unfamiliar endless series of dark rooms through which I would wander trying to find my favorite stuffed animal, a giant moth-eaten yellow felt mouse named Mousy, or, failing that, my parents, buy Flagyl no prescription. The dream I still remember best was the one where I arrived at those big picture windows, from which I'd always observed my favorite neon sign that flashed different colors as it urged you to buy cigarettes, and watched, Online buy Flagyl without a prescription, terrified, as the city went up in flames. Oh, and GI Joe was there, still with plastic hair but life-sized, Flagyl from canadian pharmacy, and he was somehow responsible. The main feelings behind these dreams, though, Order Flagyl from mexican pharmacy, was not knowing how I got there or what to do -- reflecting, of course, my nascent confusion about life in these strange new environs called suburbia. Eventually, my subconscious and I settled in and the stress dreams became about things like the wiener dog in the yard next door who was now the bane of my existence, where to buy Flagyl, except it had a yellow balloon for a body that allowed it to fly through the air as it chased me down the street, yapping.

[caption id="attachment_1527" align="alignnone" width="500" caption="Scary unfamiliar dreamscapes from hell."]Scary unfamiliar dreamscapes from hell. Buy Flagyl no prescription, [/caption]

Why was I even having stress dreams at eight years old, you may ask. Well, Purchase Flagyl online, the ability to generate free-floating anxiety has always been one of my special skills. Back then, it floated around being liked at my new school or nuclear war or having some weird disease (I was permanently traumatized by catching a piece of The Andromeda Strain when it was broadcast on television in 1973), or the newly-discovered factoid that my parents were going to die some day. These days, kjøpe Flagyl på nett, köpa Flagyl online, it hovers between having no work or too much work, my documentary, my IRA, Buy generic Flagyl, and the fact that my parents are still going to die some day. As a result, insomnia quickly became another one of my special skills. And when I do sleep, I have these kinds of dreams, buy Flagyl no prescription.

They're not the only dreams I have, of course, Flagyl samples. I do occasionally have the good sensual dream, where you're making out with Jude Law, and while you're disappointed that you have to wake up, Ordering Flagyl online, it does make you want to have morning sex -- which can be either good or bad depending on the situation. I also do sometimes have the ambiguous happy dream, when you wake up feeling like all is right with the world but can't for the life of you remember why. In fact, for years, where can i buy cheapest Flagyl online, I've only remembered maybe a third of my dreams. Buy Flagyl no prescription, I heard once that if you write them down as soon as you wake up, you'll remember them, so I tried that once and it worked: I remembered I'd had a dream about taking a bus trip with some of my high school friends. I even remembered some of the visuals, like who was wearing the lime green sweater. Australia, uk, us, usa, But when I looked at what I'd written down, it was way more detailed and bizarre, with scrawled phrases like, "And then Peter wanted to pet the cat named Pinocchio." Plus, if you already aren't a great sleeper, online buying Flagyl hcl, there's nothing like having to get up and grope around for a pen and the back of an envelope on which to write down the details of a nightmare where you're buried in a snowdrift and being attacked by sharks to keep you awake for the rest of the night. So I kind of stopped doing that.

For a long time, Purchase Flagyl, most of my stress dreams were school-related. I arrive late for the big math test or the SATs and I haven't studied or didn't even know there was a test, and I don't have a pen, or I have a pencil but it keeps breaking, or I can't find a seat, or a test, or my hands are covered in peanut butter, buy Flagyl no prescription. And at least part of the time, I'm also naked and trying to hide behind or under the desk. Everyone has these dreams in one variation or another. The only unique one I can remember was when, order Flagyl no prescription, around the time I was finishing film school, I dreamed I was back at my college graduation, frantically trying to find my place in this endless line of people in robes and mortarboards that snaked up a very Gothic-looking spiral staircase, Real brand Flagyl online, when a woman – who oddly enough looked like Condoleeza Rice – found me and put me in the right place. It's the only stress dream I can ever remember having that had a happy ending. Buy Flagyl no prescription, In keeping with my pre-established tradition of dreaming in the past, these nightmares continued to receive a high volume of play -- like Bravo reality shows do -- long after my school days were over. Then, at some point, my stress dreams became mostly about work, buy cheap Flagyl. I'm on set and suddenly I realize I have no equipment, or my recorder has stopped working and I have no tape and the radio mics aren't working, or I have to go somewhere to find batteries and I can't find them and then I can't find my way back for hours, Order Flagyl online c.o.d, knowing all the while that everyone back on set is waiting on me, or I'm being forced to work with a Nagra 3 (yes, that experience is a nightmare all unto itself). Of course, all of these catastrophes have happened to me, japan, craiglist, ebay, overseas, paypal, even the part about being lost trying to find my way back to set; those Law & Order soundstages at Chelsea Piers are one giant maze of prop rooms. But they have never all happened at the same time, or while I'm naked – which, Buy Flagyl from canada, yes, also continued to pop up from time to time. It's interesting how in most of these dreams I'm recording sound onto tape, very often reel-to-reel analog, buy Flagyl no prescription. But of course it makes sense, not only because it's consistent with the stress dream time lag, but because the most horrible memories of my career come from that time when I was first starting out as a sound mixer, buy Flagyl online no prescription, had no clue what I was doing, and still thought floppy disks were was as far as technology was going to go. I remember my first job recording on a feature, Where can i find Flagyl online, for instance, when I had to do a scene on a beach and all I was getting was wind noise and radio mic interference. I called my former sound teacher in a panic and he calmly told me that I'd have to have the production rent me something called a "windjammer." It worked like a charm. Which, I now know, Flagyl trusted pharmacy reviews, is why, while they may call it "the dog" or "the rat," every single sound person I've ever met has one of these furry zeppelin covers in his or her kit.

[caption id="attachment_1528" align="alignnone" width="500" caption="And who hasn't had a nightmare about evil clowns?"]And who hasn't had a nightmare about evil clowns? Buy Flagyl no prescription, [/caption]

A few years ago, I started taking some long trips in foreign countries. Order Flagyl from United States pharmacy, Somewhere during that time, the stress dreams about traveling took over. Sure, I'd still have the occasional boom pole breaking or hitting a light causing it to explode into flame dream, and even the I've completely forgotten to take the one class I needed for graduation dream, purchase Flagyl online. But more often, it's that I've have missed the right bus or gotten on the wrong bus and every time I try to speak the language my tongue swells up, or I'm driving around with my back seat full people I don't really like (generally because they make me neurotic) trying not to let them know that I actually have no idea where I'm going and narrowly avoiding several accidents, Where can i buy cheapest Flagyl online, or I'm at some seriously awful dive hotel where the walls are filthy and the sheets are just crawling with roaches and scorpions, but I have to stay there because I can't find my luggage. Again, all of this is reality-based stuff; I have missed plenty of buses, found cockroaches in my sheets and boots and toiletries (I was staying in a swamp at the time), real brand Flagyl online, and been on a few road trips with people I never should have gone on road trips with.

And this is the thing that makes my nightmare life especially unpleasant if not particularly complicated, buy Flagyl no prescription. As you can tell, I dream very close to the top of my brain. Buy Flagyl online no prescription, Sure, sometimes I get into wacky territory, like where I'm having a tea party with Godzilla (too many Japanese monster movies in my youth), but most of the time, it's very clear to me where my dreams come from and what they're about, buy no prescription Flagyl online. These were all stressful situations for me, even if I successfully survived them. Moreover, Buy Flagyl from canada, as I mentioned earlier, the anxiety is basically mix-and-match, so that the math test dream is still, really, about being afraid that I'm going to fail at my job, where can i buy Flagyl online, and the travel dream is really about not knowing where I'm going with my life. Buy Flagyl no prescription, And being naked, in any situation, is just about being afraid that people will see these insecurities underneath my calm exterior, along with all of my flaws and shortcomings, and will find them either appalling or laughable. I mean, as much as I like to think of myself as a complex and nuanced person, Fast shipping Flagyl, it's not deep, it's Freud 101 at best. Maybe that means that, thanks to years of therapy, my subconscious and conscious minds are separated only by one layer of nerves that has been worn thin and cranky, order Flagyl from mexican pharmacy. Or maybe it means that I was a more interesting person when I was eight.

It's funny, though, that after my last trip abroad, the travel stress dreams seem not to have started up again in force, as I would have expected. In fact, they seem to have stopped, buy Flagyl no prescription. And they haven't been replaced by work stress dreams or school dreams, both of which have also tapered off a lot. Not that I haven't been having nightmares. The other night I had one about being lost in a modern art museum where I had to put back all of these pieces of art that my nephews had managed to roll (they all seemed to be round) into the wrong galleries, while keeping track and taking care of the little boys because they were both sick and seemed to have shrunk in size, making them even harder to keep track of than little boys usually are. I think this probably had something to do with my anxiety about my ability to juggle work and family, and potential future childrearing. Buy Flagyl no prescription, Again, not very hard to interpret, and excellent fodder for hours and hours of unproductive worrying. But on the positive side, maybe my subconscious has decided that work and travel and school are no longer the fodder as they used to be, and has therefore found new issues to mull.

Now if only I could get my conscious and unconscious to cooperate a little more, like I somehow did with that reassuring dream about graduation and Condi. Although I still, for the life of me, don't get it. Why would that nightmare, where I'm chasing my place through the endlessly spiraling existential line of life, end with me finding it. What does my subconscious know that I don't.

And it better not be that my destiny lies in becoming a Republican, because that's not going to happen.

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Love Will Find A Way

Buy Tagara no prescription, You read a lot of stories about conversion—St. Paul, St. Augustine, Where can i buy Tagara online, and countless others in the Christian tradition. You don’t come across that many unconversion stories. Perhaps the unconvert lacks fervor in her new non-faith. Perhaps he is embarrassed or wants to leave the gate open for a future return to the fold, buy Tagara no prescription. Or perhaps the unconvert, by virtue of losing a formerly found faith, rx free Tagara, recognizes the uncertainty, the potential mutability, of all spiritual states. Where can i find Tagara online, [caption id="attachment_1573" align="alignnone" width="500" caption="The Conversion of St. Paul, by Michaelangelo Buonarroti, 1542-45"]The Conversion of St, <b>canada, mexico, india</b>.  <b>Buy Tagara no prescription</b>, Paul, by Michaelangelo Buonarroti, 1542-45[/caption]

I certainly fit into the last category, having found and lost faith so many times over the course of my life that I might liken it to a quartan fever that seizes me in its sweaty arms every few years, only to chill, eventually, in the face of reason or my own stubbornness. When I was 14, following a year of sincere commitment to my Methodist church (after 13 years of going only when my parents took me and paying minimal attention), I woke up one day and said to myself, Ordering Tagara online, “If someone came along today claiming to be the son of God, I would think he was crazy.” There began ten years of atheism/agnosticism. Toward the end, it felt a little lonely, and I believed that I was Bad, order Tagara no prescription. I began to think about religion, began to wish that I had faith, because I expected that it would make me feel less-lonely and Good, Buy Tagara online no prescription, and I wanted to be Good.

In 1996, I converted to Catholicism, and I was really-really-really into it, until the day in 2004 when I walked for miles around an indoor track, Tagara trusted pharmacy reviews, pushing my sleeping daughter in a stroller and thinking through the question “Who benefits?” from the Church’s stance on birth control (my answer: not women). There were any number of other threads I could have unraveled that day—the celibacy requirement for priests or the prohibition on the ordination of women come to mind—but the thread that was closest to me, the one binding me up so painfully, was the birth control one, buy Tagara no prescription. With the zeal typical of some converts, I had eaten up everything the Church gave me, Tagara from canadian pharmacy, including the idea of not using birth control and having a large family. What a surprise, though, to find in my own life evidence that my own desires and happiness were at odds with what the Church told me I should want and should find fulfilling. With my daughter’s birth, buy Tagara no prescription, I had two children, a boy and a girl, and it felt Just Right. Where to buy Tagara, I have known many women who hunger and yearn for the third child, or the fourth child, as deeply and eagerly as I had longed for my first two children. Buy Tagara no prescription, But as for me, it’s been six years, and I’ve never felt a pull to have another child. Leaving the Church would allow me to choose the number of children that felt right to me; that reason—self-interested in ways that I think are very healthy—made me ripe for unconversion, and that long, purchase Tagara online no prescription, frowning walk was the defining moment of my loss of commitment to Catholicism.

Like many conversion stories (including those of Paul and Augustine mentioned earlier), these unconversion stories happened in a flash, Buy cheap Tagara, in a moment in which an entire system of thought was replaced by an opposing system. In that regard, then, surely unconversion can be as firmly outside the realm of reason as conversion can. Whereas conversion stories often depend quite explicitly upon leaps of intuition, online buy Tagara without a prescription, chance encounters, and deep emotional responses to spiritual or religious experiences, the unconvert is more likely to speak in terms of reason banishing a superstition, Tagara over the counter, and yet the suddenness with which these flashes of insight might appear, and the wholehearted embrace of them that the unconvert makes, bear striking resemblance to the experience of the convert. Both the convert and the unconvert tend to cling to the belief that the change from one state to another—faithful to non-faithful, non-faithful to faithful—represents a journey to an immutable truth, buy Tagara no prescription.

[caption id="attachment_1574" align="alignnone" width="200" caption="St. Augustine Reading the Epistle of St, buy Tagara without a prescription. Paul, by Benozzo Gozzoli, 1464-65"]St. Augustine Reading the Epistle of St. Paul, by Benozzo Gozzoli, 1464-65[/caption]

Whatever may or may not be true metaphysically—and I make no speculation here—certainly in addition to whatever immutable truths may be in play, japan, craiglist, ebay, overseas, paypal, the choice to adhere or to stop adhering to a particular faith is just that, a choice. It reminds me of pop-psychological dicta that love is a “decision” or an “action” or a “choice, Where can i buy cheapest Tagara online, ” rather than a feeling. I heard a similar concept many times during my Catholic years—one should go to mass, pray, or whatever whether or not one feels the inclination to do so: one can live faith without feeling faith. The underlying assumption in both cases is that one should live based on ideas rather than feelings, buy Tagara no prescription.

Yet both these pieces of advice assume the knowledge of Truth: it is wrong to give up on faith and leave a community; it is wrong to give up on love and leave a relationship, kjøpe Tagara på nett, köpa Tagara online. The similarities between them—finding faith and losing it, falling in and out of love—remind me of the mutability of both as emotional states. One can keep these emotions under the control of reason and belief (and indeed, Buy Tagara online cod, thousands of years of religion, philosophy, and culture have argued for the absolute necessity of doing so), but they have a life of their own, developing and shifting silently, Tagara over the counter, hidden under the proper governance of reason, until, sometimes, Where to buy Tagara, a person decides to choose what has become emotionally true—loss of faith, loss of love—over what the community believes to be true: “this is the right religion”; “love (or at least marriage) is forever.” And after that moment, the unconvert will choose new ideas to align with, new ways of connecting reason with emotion.

If we can fairly apply the metaphor of falling in love to the way one comes to a particular religion, rx free Tagara, then we could say that I fell in love with Catholicism on Maundy Thursday, 1995, when at the end of the service they darkened the chapel for the ceremony in which the Eucharist is paraded around the chapel while “Pange Lingua Gloriosi, Buy cheap Tagara, ” a sixth-century chant, is sung. Buy Tagara no prescription, On that night, I experienced all of those qualities that became for me the “spiritual signature” of Catholicism—something about the tone or mood that I associate with the Church that involves darkness, quietness, water, suffering, mystery, and mysticism. That was my first conversion to Catholicism. There were others, my relationship with the Catholic Church like a marriage, comprar en línea Tagara, comprar Tagara baratos, with high and low points of getting along, a cycle of conversion and unconversion that ended (I thought) with the big breakup in 2005 (when I stopped attending mass), a brief reconciliation this past fall, Buy Tagara without prescription, followed now by continued separation.

[caption id="attachment_1575" align="alignnone" width="495" caption="Pange Lingua Gloriosi"]Pange Lingua Gloriosi[/caption]

That brief reconciliation arose from another conversion story a couple of months ago—one night I read an essay by a (liberal) priest that called to my mind everything I like about Catholicism. The genre of conversion stories primes one to take seriously these chance encounters with a speaking text—Augustine heard a voice telling him to take up the Bible and read, and the words he randomly turned to were compelling enough to change his life. I myself had snapped back to obedience to the Catholic Church in 1998 (after flirting with the idea of returning to Protestantism) after hearing a reading from the Letter to the Galatians in which Paul warns the Galatians, “If any one is preaching to you a gospel contrary to that which you received, let him be accursed.”

[caption id="attachment_1576" align="alignnone" width="500" caption="Beginning of Paul’s Epistle to the Galatians"]Beginning of Paul’s Epistle to the Galatians[/caption]

So for that reason, I was prepared to take seriously my emotional response to that essay, to find in it a sign that it was time to return to the Church, buy Tagara no prescription. Typically earnest, australia, uk, us, usa, I immediately went to confession, began the process of seeking an annulment for my marriage that had ended in divorce, and began attending mass. Buy Tagara no prescription, I was undaunted, even when the ultraconservative priest at my parish delivered a long, long homily about the evil of divorce, how much better it is for people to stay unhappily married, and so forth, purchase Tagara online no prescription.

Fine, I said to myself, there are all kinds of people in the Catholic Church, Online buy Tagara without a prescription, and some of them, like this priest, are uncompassionate. But that’s not all that there is to Catholicism. Buy Tagara no prescription, I will find a different parish, where the priest is more compassionate.

But it didn’t work out that way. Not for lack of compassionate priests, purchase Tagara online, not for lack of a beautiful history of saints and mystics, but because a thing is what it is. While struggling to figure out how to reconcile myself to this church, Order Tagara from mexican pharmacy, I tried to understand my emotional connection to the Catholic Church and how it could coexist with my deeply entrenched intellectual disagreement with the Church on just about everything. I had a flash of understanding by thinking about it in terms of metaphors of love and relationships. I wrote in late October, “We could say that in falling in love with the Catholic Church, I fell in love with ‘someone’ that I disagree with on everything important, order Tagara online overnight delivery no prescription, someone who doesn’t respect women, someone who won’t accept me as I am, someone who won’t honor gay and lesbian people, Tagara from canadian pharmacy, someone who lies, someone who uses theology to win every argument . , buy Tagara no prescription. . . From this perspective, if this were someone I was dating, surely my friends and family would be correct to advise me to get over my love, to break up, instead of giving up everything else I value to make the relationship work.” So I ended up choosing that notion that one should live based on ideas rather than feelings, but with the twist that the ideas I chose were not those of the Catholic Church.

So that was the end . . . again . . . of my life as a Catholic, buy Tagara no prescription. As in the hymn “Amazing Grace,” I was “found” again two months ago, only to lose myself a month later back into the quiet comfort of uncertainty, mutability, and humility.


The Conversion of St. Paul, from The United Episcopal Church Of North America.

St. Augustine Reading the Epistle of St. Paul, from Dalhousie University.

Pange Lingua Gloriosi from Joseph Kenny.

Beginning of Paul’s Epistle to the Galatians, from The Wikimedia Commons.

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Buy Premarin no prescription, I am smoking a cigarette when She tells me about Tiktaalik. She is miles away but her voice is urgent in my ear, tinny through the miniscule speaker in my cellular phone. Buy cheap Premarin no rx, "Tika-what?" I ask.

"Tik-taa-lik," She says, annunciating as precisely as she can through several hundred miles of distance between us and about as much static, ordering Premarin online.

I can almost feel Her next to me, Her hand in mine, Buy Premarin without a prescription, Her breath in my ear. I am trying to win her and it is unclear if I will, buy Premarin no prescription. This moment, me on my fire escape wishing to kiss her and Her in her studio apartment wishing for I-don’t-know-what, feels particularly precarious, order Premarin no prescription.

I take a drag of my cigarette. Actually, Online buying Premarin hcl, it's a Djarum vanilla, because it is college and I am attempting, for the first and only time, to become a smoker, order Premarin online c.o.d. It is high time, in my estimation, Buy Premarin from mexico, that I begin to acquire skills that "normal" people seem to possess innately, and smoking is one that I have set my sights on. Buy Premarin no prescription, My efforts will ultimately prove to be futile, thank god.

But I don't know this yet.

I try to hide my nervousness and my scattered breath, real brand Premarin online. She hates it when I smoke, which gives me a spark of hope. Purchase Premarin, At least She cares.

"What the hell is Tiktaalik?"

"It's a fish," She says, buy Premarin no prescription. "Well, a prehistoric fish, with legs, where can i order Premarin without prescription. They've just written an article about it."

"Oh," I say. Buy no prescription Premarin online, "A researcher found the fossils a couple of years ago," She continues. "In Canada. Buy Premarin no prescription, Evidence suggests that it could breathe both underwater and on land. They think it's a new link in the biological chain of evolution, buy Premarin online no prescription. A pretty big deal."

The cold Boston air sweeps around me, but I lie back against the grating of the fire escape and look up into the dark sky. Where can i find Premarin online, The buildings on Beacon Hill surround it, shadows against the artificial light of the T station and Mass General Hospital not far away, creating a tableau that is mine and mine alone.

The news of the discovered fish and the novelty of the fact that she is talking to me compound, fast shipping Premarin, and I wonder if my Tiktaalik-ian brothers and sisters had the capacity for this distinct feeling of aliveness in their tiny, proto-reptilian hearts. Did they, too, beat with a dual fear and hope for their ultimately lost future, buy Premarin no prescription. Premarin samples, Could they possibly have known that they would lie dormant and undiscovered for millions of years, only to complete a cycle for a race of beings they never could have known. Will we. Will I, canada, mexico, india.

I have clearly paused too long, because She asks me if I've heard what She’s said. Buy Premarin no prescription, "Of course," I tell Her. Where to buy Premarin, "Of course I did."


It is years before I think, again, of Tiktaalik.

She and my fire escape have faded, order Premarin from United States pharmacy, almost all at once, into the past, Buy generic Premarin, along with the vapors of my long since discarded, failed smoking habit. All the way across my limited universe, three thousand miles from home, Premarin gel, ointment, cream, pill, spray, continuous-release, extended-release, I sit with my hand resting lazily on the knee of The Woman Who Will Become My Partner.

But I don’t know this yet, Premarin price, coupon, either.

"Trip out on this," Pete says, buy Premarin no prescription.

All of us are sitting in his apartment, engulfed in a hazy shadow of gray smoke.

Pete is in the process of lighting a Marlboro Red, Premarin for sale, so his words come out with an unintentional lisp, one that muffles his words. Where can i buy Premarin online, "Trip out on this," he repeats, somewhat more clearly.

His eyes are gleaming in the florescent light from overhead, Premarin trusted pharmacy reviews, and he drags on his cigarette for emphasis. Buy Premarin no prescription, "You won't believe what Samantha told me today."

Collectively, we roll our eyes. Samantha is his current fling, Buy Premarin from canada, his flavor of the week. In the one meal we have all shared with her, we have learned that she is not the brightest crayon, to put it lightly, buy Premarin online no prescription.

“Come on, Pete, Buy Premarin from canada, ” his brother, Patrick, says, wandering out of the kitchen, online buy Premarin without a prescription. “What are you doing with that woman?”

Patrick waves his spatula for emphasis.

“Quiet, fool,” says Pete, angling his beer bottle at Patrick, buy Premarin no prescription.

Patrick shakes his head, Ordering Premarin online, mouth twitching under his moustache in disgust, and returns to the stove.

“So,” Pete continues, purchase Premarin online, “We’re talking the other day, and it comes up that she believes that she was, Order Premarin no prescription, in her past life, the first woman to walk the earth.”

He lets this sink in.

“Are you serious?” The Woman Who Will Become My Partner asks. “Details?”

“She thinks she crawled out of the ooze with the crustaceans, Premarin from canadian pharmacy. Buy Premarin no prescription, All Adam and Eve and nonsense like that. She says she remembers being in the water and watching the sun rise over her head.”

“That’s ridiculous,” I tell him. Premarin gel, ointment, cream, pill, spray, continuous-release, extended-release, “Yeah,” echoes The Woman Who Will Become My Partner. “She’s whacked.”

As we laugh and question the woman’s sanity, I pause, comprar en línea Premarin, comprar Premarin baratos, imagining Samantha, with her dull, Rx free Premarin, wide-set eyes, stumbling from the ocean amidst a gaggle of giant crabs, psychedelic rays of light and color illuminating her round shoulders. After ten years of acid, it’s her own private acid trip, this vision, in tune with the thousands she’s already taken, the ones that have no doubt eaten holes in her brain like Swiss cheese. It truly seems crazy, buy Premarin no prescription.

Then I remember the cold, the vanilla cigarettes, the phone, Her, and Tiktaalik, that damned fish, fated to be covered over in silt and sediment.
Does Samantha, I wonder to myself, dream about a fish with legs wandering its poor way along the sand, inexplicably doomed to an extinction that it cannot have predicted. Does she reach for its scaly back, tweak its toes, run her hand across the bumps of its spine. Does she ask herself how long it will take them to discover her.

Pete reaches across me for another beer. The Woman Who Will Become My Partner brushes the back of my hand and the thoughts fall away, with them Samantha, the fish, the fire escape, and Her. Laughing, I catch The Woman Who Will Become My Partner’s fingers, and am catapulted back into the present, into what I myself have unearthed after eons and eons and eons of waiting under rock: My own whirlwind, topsy-turvy, and ultimately hopeful future.


The image was created by the author, using materials from works by caccamo, kevinzim, patrick kiteley, and Jared Hawkins.

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Buy Vantin no prescription, Kate was the trouble-maker among us. I was one year younger, and didn’t have any friends at school. At age 9 I was already awkward and insecure, Buying Vantin online over the counter, and even though Kate wasn’t particularly nice to me, or anyone, she included me, which seemed at the time tremendously kind.

Her parents and my parents were childhood friends, canada, mexico, india. Our families, and Kate’s aunts and their children, all reunited every year in August on Cape Cod. Days were filled with overly competitive games of paddleball and hours of wave riding on over-priced boogey boards, buy Vantin no prescription. Order Vantin online overnight delivery no prescription, We were competitive about those, too. There were trips to the local dairy barn for soft serve once if not twice a day. We went square dancing every Wednesday. A big annual adventure was whale watching in Provincetown, buy Vantin no prescription, after which we’d beeline for Portuguese donuts and fudge while the Kate and her siblings gawked at the drag queens and I failed to notice them. Buy Vantin no prescription, Our parents tried to make nights exciting. The famed drive-in was appealing in theory, but not worth more than one trip per summer due to poor sound quality. Australia, uk, us, usa, Bonfires on the beach were a hassle but we usually got in two or three; my mother told the same story about how she almost got arrested as a teenager because “everyone else” was drunk and high and the kids played manhunt. Dinners were important. We went out a fair amount, traveling a circuit of the five or so worth fine dining institutions interspersed with frequent trips to the local clam shack. On other nights, one family or another would host the others for a Barbeque, clambake or pasta, buy Vantin no prescription.

Life was excruciatingly simple, kjøpe Vantin på nett, köpa Vantin online. True, there was the usual anxiety about getting to the beach in time for a parking space. There were fights with our parents about whether we would make or buy lunch, Where to buy Vantin, how much candy we could have at the penny shop and why we refused to wipe the sand off our feet before we got in the car. I remember being very happy during those summers. Buy Vantin no prescription, And I remember being very bored.

I’m sure that I spent most of my childhood enjoying the safety afforded me. But that summer when I was nine and Kate was 10, I began to wonder about distance, buy Vantin without prescription. I tentatively craved adventure. I fed off Kate’s antsy-ness. The dullness of our nights were a subtle itch, and an invitation, buy Vantin no prescription. We decided to start taking walks in the woods, Order Vantin from United States pharmacy, and when the walks in the woods failed to be thrilling, Kate started telling us we were lost when we weren’t. All the roads in the neighborhood looked the same, but even so, from where we were in the “woods” I could recognize landmarks, buy Vantin online cod. I remember the moment I decided to ignore them, and to let myself believe. I loved being lost. Buy Vantin no prescription, Then one night we traveled to a popular sunset point on the bay. Order Vantin online c.o.d, This was another of our repeated traditions, but I think pre-puberty is just the time when things like sunsets become useless. (Then for maybe fifteen years, they are only useful as means to a member of the opposite sex.) Kate and I were at the age when we didn’t see the point of watching. As was our new tradition, purchase Vantin, we took her two little cousins on a walk. We walked off the beach, up the dune and into the woods that crowned it. We walked for about 20 minutes away from our parents, parallel to the bay, buy Vantin no prescription. Vantin trusted pharmacy reviews, We were tired and our bare feet were cut and bruised. The sun had set, casting a purply, grayish glow. Somehow, Vantin for sale, through unspoken scheming and perhaps a real, if avoidable, fear, Where can i order Vantin without prescription, Kate and I announced that we were lost. I don’t know if I suggested going back the way we came. Buy Vantin no prescription, I do know that I knew that was the answer. But we put the little girls on our back and kept walking forward. They cried. We cried, buy generic Vantin. Eventually silence took over, until we found ourselves at the top of an inordinately tall tune, with a steep and perilous path down to the beach. We, Kate and I, thought maybe we’d get our bearings if we walked down it, buy Vantin no prescription. Buy cheap Vantin no rx, The truth was that in our regular lives, parents, lifeguards and erosion control signs would have prevented us from going down a dune like this one. So we went down. We looked back down the beach to where we had come from, purchase Vantin online no prescription, and concluded that our best bet was to turn around.

erosion sign

We climbed back up the dune. Buy Vantin no prescription, As my thighs burned, I vacillated between fury that we had taken things too far—the incline was absurd—and thrill that I was doing something so rigorous. Somewhere along the way on our journey back, Vantin samples, Kate’s uncle found us. I remember a lot of yelling and the word “fuck” linked to Kate’s name. We had endangered her cousins; it was her family, thus she took the blame. My mother was too overwhelmed to yell much, fast shipping Vantin, but swallowed me in her arms with a sigh of exhausted, broken relief. I sat stunned in the backseat on the way home, listening to her blame Kate, too and tell me how hard we must scrub my feet before I put them in my bed, buy Vantin no prescription. I would not be made to bathe if I didn’t want, Online buying Vantin hcl, but look at how black my toes were. I was safe now, and cleanliness was our main priority.

Back at school in the fall, I wrote a poem about our “adventure” that everyone said was very good, where to buy Vantin, for a fourth grader. I began to build the event up in my memory as a pinnacle of emotion and triumph over adversity. Buy Vantin no prescription, I managed to block out the knowledge that we had lost ourselves on purpose. For years, Real brand Vantin online, I thought of myself as a survivor, if not a hero. Gradually, I became to crave the feeling again. I wanted to be back in the car, where can i find Vantin online, safe and exhausted, with destroyed and dirty feet, awaiting absolution. Vantin price, coupon, It is the old story of the prodigal son: if you have been lost, you reenter the world wearing a shield of guiltlessness.

Thus, when adolescence came, I became one of those of people who is perpetually lost, or more specifically, in crisis, buy Vantin no prescription. Every test, paper, swim meet, buy Vantin from mexico, friendship was a potential for calamity. And I would not rest until the sense of angst had been created, then resolved. Buy no prescription Vantin online, When you are this sort of person and you are a teenager, your friends call you the melodramatic one. If you stay this way in college, your friends call you the intense one. Buy Vantin no prescription, If you stay “intense” after college, you get multiple unnecessary graduate degrees or a job in finance. And if you don’t, where can i buy cheapest Vantin online, you advance from “intense” to “self-destructive.” And for the first time, you are really, seriously lost. Buy cheap Vantin, stay on path

I lived on the cusp of this distinction for most of my post-graduate years. There was always some possibility of a graduate degree looming; acceptances, deferrals, applications, rejections, japan, craiglist, ebay, overseas, paypal, acceptances, deferrals, applications, Where can i buy Vantin online, rinse, repeat. While I was mulling over these decisions, I was trying and failing to become an actress, moping over office jobs, Vantin over the counter, randomly joining then abandoning the crews of independent films and seeking guidance over fancy, inappropriate lunches with powerful, older men. Finally, I got a steady job, buy Vantin no prescription. Buy Vantin without a prescription, I went steady with a boy. But I still didn’t feel steady. So I created more crises, wherever and whenever I could.

There is a poem by Mikhail Yuryevich Lermontov called “Sail.” The last two lines, order Vantin from mexican pharmacy, roughly translated, are: “Rebellious, it seeks out a storm/As if in storms it could find peace!” In the context of these verses, Vantin gel, ointment, cream, pill, spray, continuous-release, extended-release, the problem becomes obvious: it’s not that I like the excitement of being lost. Buy Vantin no prescription, It’s that I like the feeling of being found. I want to climb back in the car with dirty feet, awaiting a bath. My whole life, the drama I’ve created has come with a pavlovian reward: resolution. I viewed everything I had as wrong, but I always had the power to make things right when I was ready.

And then, I got laid off. Suddenly, I was lost in the middle of the middle of the woods, with no obvious coastline ready to guide me home when I done playing, buy Vantin no prescription. So I did the only rational thing I could think of: I gave up the hope of being found. Surprisingly, giving up that hope has offered great relief. I don’t feel so lost. Rather, I’ve come to terms with a life that is simply in motion. Buy Vantin no prescription, I have no idea what I’m looking at, or why I’m climbing up the hill, but at least I’m not standing still. The wanderlust I’m predisposed to feel is real, but the idea that it will eventually lead me “home” is not.

Not surprisingly, Kate got the point long before I did. Like me, she’s been called melodramatic, intense and self-destructive. She also has a dual masters in education and math, has been a high school teacher, worked for a hedge fund, moved in and out with a boyfriend, and ended up at business school down South. Kate doesn’t seem phased by the whole thing, buy Vantin no prescription. I remember months ago, back when I was still really worried, she was painstakingly explaining “Life”, as if I was nine again, and still completely missing the point. She sighed, “People like us like to keep busy, Rachel. We like to keep moving. It may not be the best way to live, but it’s who we are.”


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The Sock [note: auto-play SOUND]

Order SleepWell over the counter, INT. DINER – MORNING

LARRY (48, unkempt, wearing an old, beat up coat with mismatched hat and scarf) enters, buy SleepWell online no prescription, quickly scans the room, and takes a seat in an empty booth. He lifts the menu in front of his face, Buy generic SleepWell, engrossed.

FRANK (33, handsome and confident, wearing designer winter attire that’s two sizes too big) enters. He stands just inside the door, australia, uk, us, usa, scanning the room, referring to an unfolded piece of paper. After a moment he notices LARRY and the empty seat across from him, order SleepWell over the counter. He approached the booth, Where can i order SleepWell without prescription, removes his jacket, and has just begun to slide into the seat when the WAITRESS approaches.

LARRY: Chicken cacciatore and a bowl of clam chowder.

WAITRESS: And for you.

FRANK: (still shifting in his seat, buy SleepWell without prescription, getting comfortable) Coffee, black, and a blueberry muffin. Order SleepWell over the counter, Thanks. Order SleepWell from mexican pharmacy, WAITRESS: You got it.

[WAITRESS leaves]

FRANK: So. . . I obviously got your note, order SleepWell over the counter. Mind telling me what I’m doing here, purchase SleepWell online no prescription.

LARRY: (lowering his menu) What are you doing here. . . Order SleepWell over the counter, What are you. Order SleepWell online overnight delivery no prescription, . . doing here. . , order SleepWell over the counter. Stupendous choice of words, rx free SleepWell. Brilliant, really. For a man who is so good at finding lost items he didn’t even lose it seems a bit contradictory that you find yourself lost as well. SleepWell from canadian pharmacy, FRANK: With all due respect, I’m not the one who ordered Italian food and a bowl of clam soup for breakfast. Order SleepWell over the counter, Look, I’m a busy man-

LARRY: Of course you are. I brought you here today because I know what you are up to. I got my first whiff of you last month. My take from the Harold Street Cineplex was about half of what it usually is, buy SleepWell from mexico. For a Sunday first showing I should’ve been able to claim at least three wallets, two purses, and a pair of reading glasses but all I walked out of there with was an umbrella and a kid’s book bag full of Spanish homework. I shouldn’t need to tell you that claiming lost items that aren’t yours is hard enough, working with a depleted inventory makes it that much more difficult, order SleepWell over the counter. Online buy SleepWell without a prescription, FRANK: So you’re afraid of a little competition. Worried that there aren’t enough forgotten sunglasses in this town for the both of us.

LARRY: Just thought we could make things easier for both of us with a few simple ground rules. So seeing as I don’t know your address or phone number let alone your name, I had to arrange a meeting, order SleepWell from United States pharmacy. Order SleepWell over the counter, FRANK: (pulls out the note and sets it on the table). Pretty slick.

LARRY: Yeah. Last week I dropped three dozens black wallets just like the one you found filled with nothing but newspaper clippings throughout all the joints I’ve seen a major drop off in merchandise. Where to buy SleepWell, The Mikan Street Y, the mini mall on Barber Street, the train station, you name it. Each wallet had the same note shoved inside, order SleepWell over the counter. I figured if there really was some new hotshot beating me to the punch to the lost and found bins and if he was anything close to resembling a worthwhile adversary one of these wallets would eventually end up in his hands, canada, mexico, india. Didn’t take you long. Which one you pick up.

FRANK: (tossing wallet on the table) I happened across this fine leather number at the airport information desk. Order SleepWell over the counter, LARRY: Terminal A. SleepWell price, coupon, FRANK: C.

LARRY & FRANK: (together) Clarice.

[caption id="attachment_1819" align="alignnone" width="274" caption="Clarice"][/caption]

LARRY: Ha ha ha. Sweet gal. Fortunately she doesn’t take much pride in her work, order SleepWell over the counter.

FRANK: True, purchase SleepWell. I’ve managed to claim six laptops, three coats, and a mountain bike without so much as a follow up question from the dear girl. SleepWell for sale, LARRY: She’s handed me 57 cell phone chargers.

FRANK: May I ask what you do with 57 cell phone chargers. Order SleepWell over the counter, LARRY: (flicking an errant crumb of blueberry muffin off the Formica table) I’ve got guys. You need guys. Shouldn’t have to tell you that. My cell phone charger guy thinks if he gathers enough chargers he can somehow put Verizon out of business, where can i buy cheapest SleepWell online. Stems from an as yet unresolved disputed cell phone bill from what I understand.

FRANK: You should try checking out online hoarding support groups, order SleepWell over the counter. Whenever I find myself with a surplus of slightly stained sweaters or technologically obsolete handheld devices I infiltrate hoarding chat rooms and easily unload stuff at an albeit below market value but still profitable rate. Most times they’ll come pick it up too so that saves on shipping costs and travel time. Buy SleepWell from canada, They also don’t have problems buying in bulk. Of course that’s only for items that retail for under $100. Order SleepWell over the counter, Everything else I put on EBay under a number of highly rated but untraceable accounts and sell as refurbished at 15% below retail.

LARRY: Bah. Too complicated. I’ve got a guy who makes sculptures out of keys, order SleepWell online c.o.d. He pays me 10 cents for every gold key, 15 cents for every sliver key, and 25 cents for any key bigger than the standard door key. Seeing as the average key chain contains to less than 5 keys I can usually get 75 cents easy per set of keys, order SleepWell over the counter. Order SleepWell no prescription, There are five subway stations, two libraries, a sports stadium, three shopping centers, and a couple dozen restaurants within a ten-minute walking distance of my apartment, real brand SleepWell online. That means in one hour I can typically collect over $8 worth of merchandise. That’s higher than minimum wage my friend. Just in keys. Order SleepWell over the counter, [Beat as WAITRESS returns]

WAITRESS: Excuse me sir. Japan, craiglist, ebay, overseas, paypal, We don’t currently have chicken cacciatore or clam chowder. Is there something else I could get you.

[caption id="attachment_1820" align="alignnone" width="500" caption="60 Cents"][/caption]

LARRY: Both items were clearly listed on the menu.

WAITRES: I’m sorry about that. Can I offer you a cup of coffee on the house, order SleepWell over the counter.

LARRY: Sure, buy SleepWell without a prescription. Thanks.

WAITRESS: Anything else.

LARRY: Just the free coffee. Order SleepWell over the counter, [WAITRESS leaves]

FRANK: I see your propensity to get something for nothing doesn’t end at conning bin masters. SleepWell samples, LARRY: Ha. It’s not about the con. It’s about getting what and as much as you need for nothing through whatever means necessary while minimizing the amount of unhappiness spread as a direct result.

FRANK: (sarcastically) Right. A sort of utilitarian who lies about lost stocking caps and can’t afford a cup of coffee, order SleepWell over the counter. Give me a break, online buy SleepWell without a prescription.

LARRY: Now you’re getting the idea. But why stop at lying. If the stocking cap can’t be obtained through standard ‘describe and claim’ processes then it shall be taken by force. Order SleepWell over the counter, FRANK: Rob the lost and found bins. Buy no prescription SleepWell online, LARRY: Sure.

FRANK: Where.

LARRY: Wherever. Bars, restaurants, where can i find SleepWell online, rental car centers.

FRANK: That’s crazy, order SleepWell over the counter. If you’re going to resort to robbing the lost and found bins why not just rob the cash registers why you’re at it.

[LARRY gives a broad smile before taking a long, Rx free SleepWell, exaggerated sip of coffee]

LARRY: There lies the difference between you and I. It’s not about cash or laptops or items that retail for over $100. It’s about obtaining wayward objects and either utilizing them myself or distributing them to others in a manner that results in a greater good. Order SleepWell over the counter, Take the chicken cacciatore and clam chowder. Placing a claim on those lost menu items may very well result in the kitchen manager placing an order for marinara sauce and oyster crackers thereby decreasing the chances of a future patron finding themselves disappointed in the inaccurate menu. All I ask for in return is a cup of coffee, buying SleepWell online over the counter.

FRANK: Well if we’re so different than why am I sitting across from you. I mean, you said yourself that because of my sudden rise in the ranks you’re working with a depleted inventory. If I’m claiming laptops and you’re claiming car keys there shouldn’t be a problem, order SleepWell over the counter. Ordering SleepWell online, LARRY: I wasn’t certain until a minute ago but I think it’s the purses and wallets. You target them for the cash and credit cards and the like. I target them for the bus passes, business cards, and chewing gum, kjøpe SleepWell på nett, köpa SleepWell online.

FRANK: So how you want to do this. Order SleepWell over the counter, I get purses and you get wallets. Vice versa.

LARRY: I have a better idea. SleepWell for sale, Whoever successfully obtains the purse or wallet first takes what they need and then leaves it in Terminal C where the other can claim what’s theirs with minimal resistance.

LARRY & FRANK: (together) Clarice.

FRANK: And I assume I continue to get dibs on electronics, designer clothing and bags, and jewelry, order SleepWell over the counter.

LARRY: And I retain rights to hats, scarves, umbrellas, online buying SleepWell hcl, pipes and other such accessories, writing utensils, stuffed animals, weapons, personal hygiene items, trinkets, books, day planners, and journals.

[WAITRESS returns]

WAITRESS: So how is everything tasting. Can I get you more coffee.

FRANK: No thank you. Order SleepWell over the counter, I think we’re ready for the check.

WAITRESS: I’ll be right back with that.

LARRY: Excuse me, Miss. Do you happen to have a lost and found bin.

WAITRESS: We do. Did you leave something here, order SleepWell over the counter.

LARRY: My friend here thinks he may have left his wallet here a few days back.

WAITRESS: I can go back and take a look. What’s your name.

FRANK: (wondering what his counterpart is up to) It didn’t have any ID in it. Order SleepWell over the counter, It’s black, leather, and full of newspaper clippings.

WAITRESS: I’ll go take a look and come back with your check.

LARRY: Well, I’m going to hustle on out of here and let you settle the bill Mr. 15% below retail.

FRANK: Pleasure doing business with you. I’ll see you around, order SleepWell over the counter.

LARRY: (putting on his jacket) Doubt it.

[LARRY leaves]

WAITRESS: Here’s your check and I believe this might be yours.

FRANK: (taking the wallet) Great. Thanks. Order SleepWell over the counter, What a relief.

[FRANK opens the wallet to find, amongst the strips of paper, $4.89, the exact amount of the bill including a 15% tip, along with the following note]

[caption id="attachment_1821" align="alignnone" width="360" caption="The Note"][/caption]

Figured you to be the cup of coffee with a muffin sort. Most found folks are. Remember that the lost, while scattered about, often broken and dismissed, always outnumber the found. Also, never underestimate the man with dibs on the all the umbrellas and writing utensils.

Good luck in your endeavors. -L


Key image by DistortedSmile

Read other pieces by Rich Zeroth.

View other pieces on the "Lost And Found" theme here.

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