The Topic At Hand: This Is A Test

Buy Torsemide no prescription, ANDY:  Hi. I’m here for the—

GINA:   I’m sorry. Hold on one moment. I just need…a couple of notes.  Done. Sorry. Hi, buy Torsemide no prescription.

ANDY:   Hi, ordering Torsemide online.

GINA:  I’m Gina.

ANDY:  I’m Andy.

GINA:  Yes. Buy Torsemide no prescription, You look…have we worked together before. I’m sorry I’m usually good at remembering people’s…. Torsemide samples, ANDY:  That’s ok. I don’t think so.

GINA:  Well, you post for an open call like this and you get a thousand headshots. I must’ve seen your face in the melee, buy Torsemide no prescription.

ANDY:  Maybe.

GINA:  I’m sorry, Torsemide price, coupon. Go ahead. What will you be doing today.

ANDY:   I thought I’d do a piece from Dark Tunnel Buy Torsemide no prescription, .

GINA:  That’s one of my favorites.

ANDY:  If it’s ok, Buy Torsemide from mexico, I’m not going to use the accent.

GINA:  That’s fine. There’s no need. This isn’t calling for one.  Whenever you’re ready, buy Torsemide no prescription.

ANDY:   “You don’t get to do this to me, Beth. You can’t dismember someone’s parents and then blame them for how the relationship ended, purchase Torsemide. This isn’t love. You can’t blame my drinking on…on….” I’m sorry, I’m going up. Buy Torsemide no prescription, I don’t remember….

GINA:  That’s fine. Where can i find Torsemide online, Just take a moment. And, if you don’t mind some redirection—

ANDY:   No, please.

GINA:  I think maybe take the volume down.

ANDY:   Oh, I thought this was for theatre, buy Torsemide no prescription.

GINA: But it’s an intimate space, buy Torsemide online no prescription.

ANDY:  Oh, I thought you had to project.

GINA:  Maybe half that.

ANDY:   Oh. Buy Torsemide no prescription, Ok. Kjøpe Torsemide på nett, köpa Torsemide online, “You don’t get to do this to me, Beth. You can’t dismember someone’s parents and then blame them for how the relationship ended.  This isn’t love. You can’t blame….” I’m sorry I’m really nervous.

GINA:  That’s fine. We’re ahead of schedule, buy Torsemide no prescription. Take a moment and get grounded, buy Torsemide online cod. And, do you have a resume. I can’t seem to find you here.

ANDY:   Right.  Dammit. Buy Torsemide no prescription, Here. Comprar en línea Torsemide, comprar Torsemide baratos, Sorry about that. I’m not use to doing this. “You don’t get to do this to me, Beth. You can’t dismember someone’s parents and then blame them for how the relationship ended. This isn’t love!” You’re looking at me weird, buy Torsemide no prescription. Was that too quiet, buy generic Torsemide.

GINA:  Is this you.

ANDY:   Yeah, I know it’s a little old. I had to dig it out of storage. Buy Torsemide no prescription, I didn’t have time to get new ones. Torsemide from canadian pharmacy, I know that sucks.

GINA:  This. Is. You.

ANDY:   Yep, buy Torsemide no prescription.

GINA:  You’re Andy Miller.

ANDY:   That’s me, buy Torsemide no prescription.

GINA:  The Andy Miller.

ANDY:  Uh-huh. Buy Torsemide no prescription, GINA:  What are you doing here.

ANDY:   I’m just an actor trying to get a job.

GINA:  But you should be in LA making movies. Torsemide for sale, ANDY:   Well….

GINA:  Why would you want to do a showcase. There’s no pay, buy Torsemide no prescription.

ANDY:   No pay.

GINA:  Well, we give you travel reimbursement.  Usually we just get you a Metrocard. Not unlimited, buying Torsemide online over the counter. For the run. Buy Torsemide no prescription, ANDY:   I never knew that.

GINA:  I was wondering why you were doing that piece from terrible movie.

ANDY:   I like that movie.

GINA:  I guess it’s more of a guy’s movie. Torsemide over the counter, ANDY:  I cried a little at the end.

GINA: You were…I had your poster in my room in high school, buy Torsemide no prescription.

ANDY:  I guess I’m a little disappointing now.

GINA:  No, you’re more rugged looking.

ANDY:   Thanks.

GINA:  Slang of High School and Grunge Chords were my two favorite movies, Torsemide gel, ointment, cream, pill, spray, continuous-release, extended-release. Buy Torsemide no prescription, ANDY:   That was a good year. Should I try this terrible thing again.

GINA:  Yes. Please don’t take that personally.

ANDY:  I didn’t write it. Maybe I’ll do it good enough this time, it’ll change your mind, buy Torsemide no prescription. Fast shipping Torsemide, GINA:  Great.

ANDY:   “You don’t get to do this to me, Beth. You can’t dismember someone’s parents and then blame them for how the relationship ended.  This isn’t love. You can’t blame my drinking on…on….” I’m sorry. Buy Torsemide no prescription, This is the part that made me cry.

GINA:  That’s ok, where to buy Torsemide. Use it.

ANDY:   I can’t.

GINA:  But that’s what makes good acting.

ANDY:   I know, buy Torsemide no prescription. I’m not a good actor. Where can i buy cheapest Torsemide online, I can’t. This is the movie that changed my life.

GINA:  Well, that’s exciting. Buy Torsemide no prescription, ANDY:   I’m not a machine. Leave me alone. I’m sorry, australia, uk, us, usa. I shouldn’t have…I just….I’m sorry I wasted your time.

GINA: Wait.

ANDY:  I don’t know what I’m doing here, buy Torsemide no prescription. I got this new manager who thinks I should reinvent myself. Try to get Astroman or whatever he’s called in Uncle Vanya on Broadway. Online buying Torsemide hcl, But I need to prove I can do theatre. He said people think film actors suck on stage. Buy Torsemide no prescription, He told me to pick a piece I love, use bigger gestures, and project. He said to make sure I know all my lines because you don’t get to do takes. I’m sorry.

GINA:  Stop. Don’t, buy cheap Torsemide. Just stop, buy Torsemide no prescription.

ANDY:   What.

GINA:  There’s something else.

ANDY:  It was either this or go on a reality show with sex and love addicts.

GINA:  What. Buy Torsemide no prescription, ANDY:   Yeah. Buy Torsemide without prescription, It would be part therapy/part dating game. Really stupid.

GINA:  Yeah it is.

ANDY: That would be better for me than this. I can’t do this, buy Torsemide no prescription. I don’t have the tools.

GINA:  You’re a great actor, order Torsemide online c.o.d.

ANDY:   That’s not me. I’ve been through this. Buy Torsemide no prescription, That’s your idea of me. I sucked then and I suck now. I didn’t know what I was doing then. Purchase Torsemide online no prescription, I was junked up on something. I took everything. That year was my biggest and I don’t remember a thing from it, buy Torsemide no prescription. My whole life is a joke so I can either make myself a bigger joke or flip it over and shock everybody.

GINA:  You’re not a joke. No, you aren’t, order Torsemide online overnight delivery no prescription. You don’t understand. Buy Torsemide no prescription, I. Love. You. I do. Order Torsemide from mexican pharmacy, When I was sixteen, I was determined I was going to meet you one day and we would fall in love and have children together. I know that’s silly but I saw you in those movies and you made my life make sense, buy Torsemide no prescription. All the bullshit and craziness and all the terrible things people do to each other, I could finally not have it all drag me down. Look. I used to cut myself a lot in high school, rx free Torsemide. I stopped because of you. Buy Torsemide no prescription, Because I had hope there were more people like you and me in the world. I started doing this because of you. You changed my life.

ANDY:   That’s nice and all but that still doesn’t change the fact that I don’t know what I’m doing. Order Torsemide no prescription, Fuck, I need to call my sponsor.

GINA:  Calm down, buy Torsemide no prescription. Calm down. Here. Look at my notes.

ANDY:   “Prototype: Andy Miller or John Cusack." What, buy Torsemide from canada. Buy Torsemide no prescription, GINA:  You’re perfect for this.

ANDY:   This is bizarre.

GINA:  You’re the guy guys want to be. You’re the guy girls want their guys to be. Or, Japan, craiglist, ebay, overseas, paypal, you’re in the top three. I bet I could go out this room and poll any woman about who they think about during a bad lay and they’d say, “George Clooney, Brad Pitt, and Andy Miller, buy Torsemide no prescription. Not necessarily in that order.”

ANDY:   I don’t want this. I don’t want to be Andy Miller. I don’t want to be the guy who used to be Andy Miller. And I don’t want to be the guy who is trying to be Andy Miller again. Buy Torsemide no prescription, I want people to treat me like a person. I’m not some poster or that drummer character I played fifteen years ago, canada, mexico, india. I just want to be an actor. Like a regular actor. I don’t want people staring at me. I don’t want people coming to see me in a play because I’m a sideshow freak, buy Torsemide no prescription.

GINA:  Andy, Order Torsemide from United States pharmacy, you want to start your life over. I want to do that for you.

ANDY:   Fuck, I can feel that itch. I’m going to start using again. Buy Torsemide no prescription, GINA:  Andy.

ANDY:   I can’t leave my apartment without all this pressure, buy cheap Torsemide no rx. Do you really love me.

GINA:  What.

ANDY:   You said you love me. Do you really love me, buy Torsemide no prescription.

GINA:  I don’t know. It’s—

ANDY:   --No. The answer is no. You don’t know me. Buy Torsemide no prescription, You don’t know what a nightmare it is being around me. No one’s ever really my girlfriend. They’re my mother or my nurse or my connection. Do you want that. Of course not.  Why would you. What you want is for it to be prom and for me to take you like this and dance with you, buy Torsemide no prescription.

GINA:  Stop. You’re freaking me out. Stop.  Stop.

ANDY:  You want me to look you in the eyes and tell you that you’re the most beautiful one in the room and how I want to spend my life with you. Buy Torsemide no prescription, GINA:  Please. I need you to—

ANDY:   --You want to live a lie with me. You want me to live a lie with you.

GINA:  Back off!.

ANDY:   Fuck you, stranger. You ruined my life, buy Torsemide no prescription. Take all your fantasies and go to hell.

GINA:  What the fuck are you so afraid of, Andy.

ANDY:   No. You don’t get to get in. Buy Torsemide no prescription, You only get the poster.

GINA:  What does that mean.

ANDY:   Fuck off.

GINA:  Do you want this, Andy, yes or no.

------

(In memory of John Hughes)

Preview image by jonrawlinson.

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    • Tara

      Oh this is great, I love it. Funny and sad and silly.

    • Name

      Reminiscent of Theresa Rebeck's play, The Understudy

    The Author

    Chris Harcum

    chris.harcum
    Chris Harcum is an actor and playwright living in Brooklyn, NY. His play American Badass (or 12 Characters in Search of a National Identity) was recently published in the Plays and Playwrights 2009 anthology. Other writing includes The New York Times, nytheatre, and Virgodog's World.

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