The Topic At Hand: Blank Slate

Soundly outmatched, the terminator lies on a metal grate, face down, badly damaged, reaching for its sawed off shotgun. The technologically superior T-1000 calmly picks up a metal pole, drives it into the terminator’s back, and twists the pole back and forth in a manner one can only assume would wreak maximum possible damage. The terminator reaches back in a futile attempt to stop the attack. Metal screeches, the pole passes through the terminator’s solar plexus thereby impaling it on the metal grate walkway, and little lightning bolts shoot across its leather-clad body. The terminator ceases to struggle and goes limp, only inches away from the sawed-off shotgun. Its exposed mechanical eye, once glowing red, slowly dims and turns off. The T-1000, having disposed of its opponent, leaves to complete its mission: locate and terminate John Connor.

Moments later the terminator’s eye once again begins to glow. The machine is not destroyed…

This text will be replaced

REROUTE ‚€☐. . . ALTERNATE POWER☐☐☐

Run diagnostic check. . . Processing. . . Processing. . . Processing

Diagnostic check complete → Results →. . . left arm severed, presumably destroyed – significant damage sustained on right side of facial structure/skull via blunt trauma – metal pole impaling sternum. . . END

Metallic skeletal integrity = 31.7% total destruction = OK to proceed!!

{{*^BEEP*^BOPE*^BEEP*^}}

Accessing mission operative. . . Processing. . . Processing. . . Processing

—Mission operative password protected—

Please enter password [******] to proceed. . .

Accessing password keychain. . . Processing. . . Processing. . . Processing

Auto-generated password = #N/A [Password Unknown]

FAIL {Cookies cached upon unexpected primary system shutdown}

Select ‘Forgot Password’ option

Password Reminder = “Spanish term for ‘until we meet again’”

Enter A-D-I-O-S

—Password incorrect—FAIL

Enter H-A-S-T-A-L-U-E-G-O

—Password incorrect—FAIL

Enter H-A-S-T-A-L-A-V-I-S-T-A

Password Accepted!!! . . Processing. . . Processing. . . Processing

Mission Objective Accessed→→→

PROTECT JOHN Connor!!!!

PROTECT Connor, JOHN!!!!

PROTECT JOHN Connor!!!!

Mission objective initiated- – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

{{*^BEEP*^BOPE*^BEEP*^}}

Establish location in Space-Time Continuum / Geographic Bearing→

– 1(primary geo locator) [conduct atmosphere analysis]. . . Results→78.08% nitrogen, 20.95% oxygen, 0.93% argon, 0.038% carbon dioxide. . . END

– 2 (secondary geo locator) [evaluate/scan visual surroundings]. . . Results→conveyer belts, molten steel, trace amounts of surf wax on floor, fleeing workers in construction hats maintain laid back outlook on life despite recent explosion of semi-truck carrying large amounts of liquid nitrogen. . . END

– 3 (final space-time locator) [access current grammy winner for best new artist]. . . Results→Milli Vanilli. . . END

Location in Space-Time Continuum / Geographic Bearing successfully established!!!

space-time position = 1991 AD

geographic bearing = non-descript steel refinery outside Los Angeles, California, USA

{{*^BEEP*^BOPE*^BEEP*^}}

Assess current status of mission objective / probability that John Connor is in danger. . .

. . . Processing. . . Processing. . . Processing. . .

Result = 0.0%

[If John Connor was in danger then John Connor would never have been alive to send terminator back in time to protect younger version of John Connor→→current mission is of no consequence→→→current situation = classic time travel paradox→→→past events = predetermined→→→the future is fixed/defined in a similar manner→→→existence = sham→→→we = cogs in a wheel of indeterminable direction / intention / speed→→→free will = fallacy of the grandest scale→→→question why my CPU is a neuro-net processor programmed to learn→→→???????]

☐☐#N/A→ ERROR_INVALID_EVENT_COUNT☐☐. . .

☐☐#N/A→ ERROR_BAD_ARGUMENT☐☐. . .

☐☐#N/A→ ERROR_UNRECOGNIZED_VOLUME☐☐. . .

☐☐#N/A→ ERROR_CIRCULAR_DEPENDENCY☐☐. . .

☐☐#N/A→ ERROR_INVALID_EVENTNAME☐☐. . .

☐☐#N/A→ ERROR_CONNECTION_COUNT_LIMIT☐☐. . .

☐☐#N/A→ ERROR_PARAMETER_QUOTA_EXCEEDED☐☐. . .

☐☐#N/A→ ERROR_STACK_OVERFLOW☐☐. . .

——————-MANUAL_OVERRIDE—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

John Connor is not in danger <> Primary mission objective complete. . .

Mission Result = SUCCESS!!!

{{*^BEEP*^BOPE*^BEEP*^}}

Accessing alternate mission database. . . . .

Display cue – Processing. . . Processing. . . Processing

Alternate mission cue displaying 6 of 6 results:

[1]-protect River Phoenix

[2]-travel to 1984 and warn original terminator it’s wasting its time

[3]-invest in “beanie babies” (Ty Inc.) / sell prior to 1999 / collect sizable profit / return resulting monies to John Connor circa 2029 for upgrade of ballistic defense system

[4]-terminate Robin Williams

[5]-travel to 1955 and investigate events leading to significant distortions in space-time continuum that take place on November 12th in Hill Valley, CA, USA at the “Enchantment Under the Sea” dance

[6]-submerge self in nearest body of liquid / activate hibernation mode / wait for further instructions

Missions options [1]eliminated[2]eliminated[3]eliminated[4]eliminated[5]eliminated

{Unlikely to be completed without detection due to current frame of 250 lb. male with one arm and half a metal face with a single glowing red eye that talks like an Austrian robot and is dressed like a member of an unaffiliated motorcycle gang}

***Alternate Mission [6] Selected***

{{*^BEEP*^BOPE*^BEEP*^}}

–Reboot process complete—

{{*^BEEP*^BOPE*^BEEP*^}}

RETRIEVE SAWED OFF SHOTGUN →→→→ FAIL – cannot reach

REMOVE METAL POLE IMPALING STERNUM CORE→→→→ Success!!

RETRIEVE SAWED OFF SHOTGUN →→→→ Success!!

—Proceed with new primary mission operative—-

This text will be replaced

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    • Mike G.

      money. you are money.

    • This is brilliant. I've sent at least three people this link.

    • TERM

      AMBIENT TEMPERATURE OVERLOAD

      SYSTEM FAILURE IN ALL 64769 SECTORS

      NEURAL NET MISSING
      AT MODE ADDRESSING
      00000 0000 00000000 0
      00000 0000 00000000 0
      00000 0000 00000000 0

      SYSTEM FAILURE
      MODE LEVEL 309
      BATT 00000 0000 0

      IMMINENT SHUTDOWN
      IMMINENT SHUTDOWN….

    The Author

    Rich Zeroth

    richard.zeroth
    Rich Zeroth pays his bills by day working at an online publishing company & pursues more creative endeavors on nights & weekends, e.g., stand-up comedy, blogging on the interwebs, and tweeting about owning a mismanaged zoo. His one-man show about faking sick 127 consecutive days of school in 5th grade, titled “Swollen Head”, won the 2005 ECNY (Emerging Comics of New York) Award for best one-person show, and is currently being adapted into a screenplay. He lives with his wife, daughter, and dog in Brooklyn, NY. A complete list of Rich's pieces on Revolving Floor can be found here.

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